


Hypothetically Speaking

by laughter_now



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: First Kiss, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Kid Fic, M/M, Relationship Advice, Unresolved Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-11
Updated: 2012-07-11
Packaged: 2017-11-09 16:12:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 32,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/457425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laughter_now/pseuds/laughter_now
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim has feelings for his best friend. He needs advice on how to act on them. Advice only his best friend can give him. Which means he needs a very good cover story. After all, the one person who can tell him how to date Bones is...Bones himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own anything associated with the Star Trek Franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
> Written in response to a prompt at the kinkmeme. First posted on August 27th, 2009

**Hypothetically Speaking**  
  
One of the definitions of the word 'dilemma' was that of a situation involving undesirable or unpleasant choices.  
  
Say, you were stuck out in space with your engines completely busted up, and the only ship within communications range was a Vulcan vessel, that constituted a dilemma – a situation involving choices that were both unpleasant and undesirable. In this particular scenario, you could either call the Vulcans for help and in turn face their smug superior attitude that not even the strongest emotional suppression could hide entirely. Or you didn't call them for help and remained stuck in space.  
  
Classic dilemma.  
  
Just like the one Jim was stuck in right now. Well, there were no Vulcans in Jim's personal dilemma, at least not in any starring roles. But it was just as difficult for him to decide on what to do next, and each of his options seemed just as unfavorable as the other.  
  
Jim had a problem, one that he didn't really know how to deal with. And all his normal mechanisms of dealing with problems were completely suspended in this particular situation.  
  
Normally, when Jim had a problem, something he couldn't deal with or needed an opinion on, there was only one course of action he took. He went and talked to Bones about it. His best friend always listened, no matter how much he grumbled about it, and he always gave Jim his honest opinion on matters. It was one of the traits Jim really appreciated in the other man, that he didn't hold back giving his opinion even if it wasn't what Jim wanted to hear.  
  
Only this time?  
  
 _So_ not an option.  
  
Jim couldn't talk to Bones about what was bothering him because the Doctor played an integral part in the problem. To be honest, it was fair to say that Bones was right there at the core of the problem. Jim wouldn't go as far as saying that Bones actually _was_ the problem. He wasn't, absolutely not. It was the situation between them that was the real problem.  
  
They were close friends. Best friends, no doubt about it. And that exactly was the problem. No matter how close, there were things even best friends didn't talk about. Things best friends didn't think about one another. Ways in which best friends weren't supposed to think about each other. And that right there? That was the core of Jim's dilemma.  
  
He had a problem, and the only person he felt comfortable enough with to talk to about it was Bones. But he could only talk to Bones about it if he revealed some things about himself and his feelings for his best friend he'd much rather keep quiet until he was sure what to do about them. So he had the choice to either keep his mouth shut and suffer even though he desperately needed someone to talk to about this, or he could talk to Bones and risk making a complete ass of himself, not to mention ruin the best friendship he had ever had in his life.  
  
 _Big_ dilemma right there.  
  
The problem was, Jim thought he was in love with his best friend.  
  
Actually, he was pretty damn _sure_ he was in love with Bones.  
  
Which was weird, and also completely new. Of course he had been in love before, or so he had thought. But that had been different. On the few occasions when it had happened, it had been with someone he had slept with _first_ , and tried to become more with later. And each time it had turned out to be an infatuation that had gone as quickly as it had come, nothing more. He had never seen any of them again; they were no longer part of his life.  
  
With Bones, it was all different.  
  
Bones had been his friend first. Still was, first and foremost. And maybe it was because they were such close friends that it had taken Jim a while to realize that his feelings for Bones had started to change.  
  
Jim was so new and unused to all this that he desperately needed to talk to somebody about it. As far as being in love and considering a serious relationship were concerned, he was completely out of his depth here. It just wasn't something that had ever appeared on Jim's agenda before, and the mere fact that thoughts like this were entering his mind lately was scaring him. Jim had never considered a serious relationship with any of his partners before. Ironically, the only serious relationship he had ever actually perused and cared about had been his friendship with Bones.  
  
And now, all that was suddenly thrown upside down. Jim wanted to keep Bones in his life the way they were now, yet at the same time he wanted to explore these new feelings that had taken hold of him and refused to let him sleep in peace. Jim wanted his cake and eat it, too, but then again that had always been his approach to life.  
  
Of course this whole construct of being in love with Bone and actually acting upon it was only going to work out if his feelings were reciprocated.  
  
Oh, Bones loved him all right, Jim was sure of that. Just like he himself would have admitted at any point during the past years that yes, of course he loved Bones. In the way best friends loved each other. The problem was that Jim had no idea if Bones was also _in love_ with him, and not knowing that was slowly but surely driving him crazy.  
  
It didn't help that Bones was sending mixed signals, at best. He was the best friend Jim had known for the past five years now. Gruff, grumpy, yet always with an underlying fondness of Jim that he could never quite cover up entirely. There was the banter, the cantankerous grumblings, the easy and comfortable silences with one another, that was their usual interaction. It was something Jim knew how to handle as instinctively as he knew how to breathe.  
  
And then there were those moments when Jim got a different feeling altogether. Sometimes he could swear that Bones was looking at him differently, when he thought Jim wasn't looking. Other times he said things in a way that they were layered with possible subtext, but Jim never dared to call him out on that.  
  
It was frustrating, and it needed to end.  
  
Which led Jim right back to his dilemma.  
  
Because he couldn't possibly start a conversation with Bones about this, not unless the other man was going to start it first. Considering Bones' willingness to discuss matters of the heart on his own volition, that was not going to happen anytime soon.  
  
And there was nobody else on board with whom Jim could possibly talk about what was going on with him. He most certainly wasn't going to go and bother a random crewmember with his quest for relationship advice – not to mention risk the gossip that was going to be the result of _that_ – and there was no likely candidate for that kind of conversation amongst his senior officers, either. He could just imagine Spock's face if he asked him for advice on how to woo his CMO. While Jim was sure it was going to be extremely entertaining, it probably wouldn't help him any with his problem.  
  
Jim wondered sometimes when things had started to change. With nobody to talk to, he had plenty of time to spend on such musings. Too much time really. And still he hadn't figured out yet what exactly had made him fall in love with his best friend, or when it had started. Every time he thought about it, he came up with a different possible explanation, none of which really managed to encompass this huge change in his feelings he was experiencing.  
  
It was probably a combination of all these things that suddenly held so much more meaning, and not a single thing alone. And the things Jim had always valued most about Bones were the big things – his unwavering loyalty, his absolute devotion to everything he did and held dear, the way he always gave everything he had, in everything he did. But all that didn't change Jim's astonishment each time he noticed another new little aspect about the other man that suddenly shone in a different light altogether and made him attractive in such a new and powerful way that it took Jim's breath away.  
  
Right now, it was Bones' intensity that caught Jim's attention in a way that made him wonder how he could have never noticed it before.  
  
There was just something to the look on his face, brows narrowed in concentration as he focused on his work. Bones always got like this, whether it was during the treatment of a patient, when he was trying to solve a problem, and even during such a menial task like taking inventory of the hypospray canisters. He got that focused look about him that promised dire consequences to anybody who dared to interrupt. It was the look in his eyes that made a strange tingle run down Jim's spine, the way they darted to and fro, always aimed carefully and with a purpose. Looking exactly where he needed to while his hands sorted through the containers in front of him. Each and every one of Bones' movements was efficient and precise, and Jim found that far more fascinating than watching a man take inventory of medications should be. In a different context, that efficiency and precision had…potential. A lot of potential.  
  
Jim sat on a biobed just a few feet away, watching in rapt fascination as Bones' fingers moved over the single containers, counting out the different medications and noting their numbers in a PADD. Bones wasn't doing much, really. He was counting small boxes, and there weren't many different variations one could apply to such a task. Hell, he wasn't even moving much, just leaning forward while his fingers counted out canisters in the drawers.  
  
But even that small movement of Bones' hands was enough to get Jim lost in a train of completely inappropriate thoughts about those long slender fingers, and what he wanted to do to them, as well as have them do to him.  
  
And that was maybe the strangest part about those newly discovered feelings for his best friend. It wasn't weird to think about Bones in that way. There was nothing strange about thinking what it would be like to feel the other man's hands on his body, or about wanting to touch him in return. It was arousing and intoxicating as well as a whole lot of other things, yes. But it definitely didn't feel weird at all to want that.  
  
Jim had never really thought of himself as straight. Neither as bisexual, or gay, for that matter. He didn't like labels and preferred to be open to anything that came along, as long as it was an experience that promised to be worth it. There had been men in Jim's life and his bed before, and it certainly wasn't as if his previous experiences with male partners had been bad. It was just that Jim had always thought he liked women a little better. There was just something about their softness, their curves, the way they smelled and felt, the way he could wrap himself around them. No doubt, there was something erotic about being with a man as well. For Jim, the attraction had always been how it was something completely different to be with someone whose body was so similar to his own. It just wasn't what Jim preferred.  
  
Or so he had thought.  
  
It figured that Bones should be the one to turn all that upside down. Jim had no problem at all to imagine that sex with Bones was going to be just _right_ , in the way his previous experiences with men, and probably women too, simply hadn't been.  
  
And just the thought of those slender, talented surgeon's fingers on his skin was enough for Jim to quickly think about something else. If he followed through on that thought, he might find himself in an embarrassing situation before he knew it. It might help solve his dilemma, but probably not in a good way.  
  
Lately, it had happened more often that those thoughts snuck into his mind when he wasn't putting an effort into keeping them out. And he didn't even want to contemplate those dreams he'd been having, the ones that had him waking up panting and hard. Jim was convinced that was the result of his inability to keep this new way of thinking about Bones out of his head at night.  
  
No, it was better to stop thinking these kind of thoughts right now, with Bones only a few feet away from him. It was not the right time or place to imagine what it would be like to feel those skilled fingers trail over his body, feel them run through his hair and down his body, all the way down to wrap around his throbbing…  
  
"Jim!"  
  
Jim was so startled at the sound of the other man's voice, he nearly dropped backwards off the biobed.  
  
"What?" Jim stammered in response, and he was fairly sure that his ears were turning red in embarrassment as he thought about what kind of thought Bones' words had torn him out of. If the Doctor had any idea…Jim didn't want to imagine what would happen. He'd better not risk it.  
  
Bones regarded Jim with a raised eyebrow, and for a second Jim was worried that at that moment it was all there, right on his face for Bones to see. His heart started to beat faster in his chest, and Jim felt the breath catch in his throat. But then the moment was over, and the Doctor merely shook his head, as if Jim's strange behavior was something he had long ago given up wondering about.  
  
"Why are you here, Jim?"  
  
Which was an interesting question, considering that Jim had been in Sickbay for about an hour now, and Bones hadn't questioned his reasons for coming here back when he had stepped through the doors. He did his best to shrug nonchalantly.  
  
"Can't a man visit his best friend without giving a reason?"  
  
Bones rolled his eyes and swiveled his chair around so that he was facing Jim.  
  
"He can, but he normally doesn't. You've been staring a hole in my back for the past hour, and that's gotta set a new record for you sitting still when you're not asleep, unconscious, or tied down. So what's up?"  
  
Jim brought a hand up to his neck, rubbing it nervously. He could just spill the truth, of course. Not that he had any clue how he was going to do that, but at least then it would be out. Out and over, and the ball would be in Bones' court. But he had no idea what kind of reaction he'd be facing, so Jim did what he had done continuously over the past weeks – he distracted from the problem.  
  
Yes, he was chickening out. Big time. But even Starfleet Captains were allowed to make a tactical retreat once in a while. It didn't mean he was giving up. He was just withdrawing to better reassess his options before he made a final decision.  
  
"Nothing's up. Absolutely nothing."  
  
Bones pinched the bridge of his nose between his fingers.  
  
"Jesus, Jim. I know that flying in a straight line for hours on end without getting shot at by Klingons or being pulled into space anomalies is your idea of boredom, but I think it's in the job description that you have to be on the bridge even during the dull parts. You can't just give Sulu or Chekov the conn and go strolling through the ship."  
  
Jim put a hand over his heart in mock offence.  
  
"I'm wounded, Bones. I didn't skip bridge duties to get here. And Spock has the conn. I switched shifts with him yesterday. He needed beta shift off for some experiment down in one of the science labs."  
  
If possible, Bones looked even more confused.  
  
"So you're off duty, and you have nothing better to do than come here and watch me do inventory?" He got up from his chair and reached for a medical tricorder. Bringing it up to Jim's head, he pressed the button to activate the device, voice in full on doctor mode.  
  
"Did you hit your head lately? Anything I should know about?"  
  
Jim batted the tricorder away. "I'm fine, Bones."  
  
The Doctor put the tricorder away and crossed his arms in front of his chest, glaring down at Jim.  
  
"You come here during your time off and watch me do inventory for an hour, _silently_ I might add, and you expect me to believe that you didn't get a serious blow to the head at some point since I last saw you? Yeah, right. Damn it Jim, I have our entire stock of supplies to go through, I don't have time for this. Either tell me why you're here or go bother somebody else."  
  
Jim stared down at his feet dangling a few inches above the floor. He wanted to talk about it all, finally tell Bones what was bothering him and get it all out of the way, but he simply couldn't. He couldn't risk that. He had no problem with risk. Jim constantly risked things, and that went as far as putting his own life in the line of duty over and over again. But the one thing in his life that Jim Kirk couldn't, no _wouldn't_ , risk was his friendship with Bones.  
  
"Jim."  
  
The shift in Bones' voice was distinct, exasperation and anger replaced by the first tinges of worry when Jim failed to answer his best friend's rant with a smirk and a cocky remark like he normally would have. Jim was still staring at his feet, but from the corner of his eyes he saw Bones lean against the biobed beside him.  
  
"What's going on?"  
  
Jim sighed, already thinking about ways to distract his friend from the impeding interrogation. He was planning to. But then he thought the hell with it. Trying to make this out on his own hadn't worked. He had tried, for weeks and even longer. Denial didn't work, ignoring it didn't work, wanking till he gave himself TSV didn't work. So it was time for a changed course of action. He was going to do what always worked best for him – dive headfirst into things and see where it was going to take him.  
  
"I need your advice."  
  
Step by step. The worst thing to do would be to blurt it all out at once. No, Jim was going to take this one little fact after the other, and judge Bones' reactions carefully before he proceeded.  
  
Right now, that reaction was a nod of the older man's head, a movement that wasn't exactly laden with any hidden deeper meanings. Not exactly a high rating on the scale of helpfulness.  
  
"Okay. What's this about?"  
  
As if it was that easy. Jim had no idea how he was supposed to tell Bones what was bothering him. Well, nothing short of saying _I'm in love with you and have no idea what to do about it_ , and somehow he had the feeling that this wasn't the best way to handle this. He simply had no idea what to say. And maybe that was the only explanation for his next words, because for the life of him he couldn't have said where they came from. They just tumbled out.  
  
His tactics instructor back at the Academy would have given him a semester's worth of extra work for such a blunt and feeble attempt at getting the conversation back under his control, but Jim was literally at his wit's end. Starfleet training only went so far, and it most certainly didn't provide you with any kind of appropriate training for dealing with matters of the heart that might become a problem onboard a starship.  
  
Really, Jim couldn't be blamed for resorting to one of the oldest, and most obvious, diversion tactics in the book. In his defense, Jim was sure that wherever his next words came from, his brain hadn't been involved at any point in the process of getting them out.  
  
"There's this problem. I mean, it's not my problem. A friend, he's the one having the problem. He asked me for advice, and now I'm asking you. You know, in his stead."  
  
It didn't help that Jim was stuttering his way through the explanation, one that had admittedly been weak to begin with. It certainly didn't add any credibility to his story, either.  
  
But still, Jim thought that the way Bones threw back his head and laughed in response to his words was a slight bit overkill. Jim turned so that he was facing his friend, leveling a glare at him for good measure.  
  
"Care to tell me what's so funny?"  
  
Bones shook his head, still chuckling.  
  
"Come on Jim. You seriously expect me to fall for that old trick with the hypothetical friend?"  
  
If Jim was honest with himself, he didn't. Bones wasn't stupid enough to fall for that one. However, Jim hadn't expected to be called out on it this quickly, at least. He had hoped for some more hypothetical talking that might give him some sort of hint as to what to do next.  
  
"Who says there can't be a hypothetical friend who asked me for help?"  
  
Again, Bones shook his head, as if dealing with a particularly thick child.  
  
"We've known each other for how long now? Five years, a bit more?"  
  
Jim nodded, even though Bones didn't need that confirmation from him.  
  
"So we've been living in each other's pockets for over five years. We both came to the Academy with nothing to leave behind. I _know_ all your friends, Jim. Most of them are on this ship. I know all the people on this ship and they're all my patients. I know about their medical histories, their phobias, their STDs – face it Jim, I know most secrets of each and every single member of this crew. So even if there was a hypothetical friend, as soon as you start telling me your story I'll know who you're talking about, anyway. Besides, it's painfully obvious that the hypothetical friend you're talking about is you, and you're insulting my intelligence if you think I don't see through that."  
  
Yes, Jim probably should have known better than to assume this was going to work. Not each of his genius ideas could be expected to work out, after all. But it had been worth a try, Jim guessed. It hadn't given him any answers, and no way to get out of this conversation without making a huge ass of himself, but still it had been worth a shot.  
  
"What's really going on?"  
  
Back to square one, it looked like. Jim sighed. He was treading in dangerous waters here. He knew Bones well enough to be sure that his friend wouldn't let this go until he had an answer that satisfied him. So either Jim was going to figure out some sort of credible explanation, and quickly at that, or…  
  
…or he might have to resort to the truth.  
  
Which, come to think of it, wasn't such a bad idea at all. Not the whole truth, of course. An edited version of it, just to gauge Bones' reaction.  
  
"I…there's somebody I might be…interested in."  
  
One of Bones' eyebrows went up. After a few seconds, when it became clear that no further explanation was going to follow, the other joined it.  
  
"Interested?"  
  
"You know. _Interested_."  
  
The eyebrows were up so high now that they nearly vanished against Bones' hairline. Then, as if the thought had finally settled, Bones shook his head abruptly and waved his hand in Jim's direction.  
  
"No. No, no, no. You're not coming to me for relationship advice."  
  
It was not so much the advice as the relationship part that was important to Jim, but he decided to keep silent about that little matter, and instead let some of the indignation he felt win over.  
  
"Why ever not?"  
  
"Because no good is going to come out of it. You wanna get laid, you're on your own, Jim. It's not as if you ever needed my advice for that, anyway."  
  
For a fleeting second, Jim asked himself if that was really what Bones thought of him, and his ability to get involved in a relationship. True, he might have never seriously gone after that kind of commitment before, but just because he liked to keep things uncomplicated (always in mutual agreement) didn't mean he was incapable of doing so.  
  
Or did it?  
  
"It's not about sex."  
  
Bones did that eyebrow thing again, this time with clear underlying suspicion.  
  
"Not about sex."  
  
"Is there an echo around here?"  
  
But where others would have taken offence at Jim's tone, Bones merely rolled his eyes.  
  
"What, you tell me that you're suddenly interested in more than casual, string-less sex, and you expect me not to be surprised?"  
  
"Remember the part where I said I needed your help? What you're doing right now isn't exactly helpful."  
  
Neither was the thought that obviously, Bones thought him incapable of getting involved in a serious relationship. Which meant one thing, and one thing only – Jim had to prove him wrong.  
  
"So what exactly do you want to hear from me?"  
  
A number of things immediately came to mind, and Jim pushed each and every one of them back forcefully. Those thoughts, entertaining as they might be, weren't helping him right now either.  
  
"I don't know what to do about this whole thing."  
  
That statement earned him another of those eye-rolls that only Bones could pull off, one that managed to combine exasperation with fond affection.  
  
"You know Jim, it would help _me_ a whole damn lot if you'd just say what you need my help with instead of beating about the bush. Since when do need advice on women?"  
  
Women?  
  
Granted, there were reasons for Bones to think that Jim was talking about a woman. Plenty of reasons, if he was honest with himself. More reasons than to assume the opposite, at least.  
And sometimes, there was something to being a genius.  
  
One moment, Jim had been wondering about Bones' assumption. The next, he had a plan. A brilliant plan, if Jim might say so himself.  
  
Bones thought Jim needed advice on a woman when Jim actually needed advice on Bones. Being the good friend that he was, Bones was going to help Jim win over the hypothetical woman. And in doing so, he was going to give Jim plenty of knowledge on what Bones thought it took to win somebody over.  
  
Really, it was a win-win situation. Jim only needed to listen, and instead of applying Bones' advice to some hypothetical woman, he was going to figure out how it was going to help him with his own problem. If anybody could tell him what it took to win over Bones' heart, who'd be better for the job than Bones himself?  
  
It was an ingenious plan, and the more Jim thought about it, the more he was convinced that it could only work. Besides, it was probably the sneakiest thing he had ever come up with. It could only work, there was no other way. Or at least, it was going to work for as long as he didn't slip up with the pronouns.  
  
"Jim?"  
  
Realizing that he had been staring off into space for a moment, Jim turned towards his friend again and struggled hard to keep the corners of his mouth from tugging upwards.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Please tell me we're not talking about Uhura here."  
  
And that came pretty much out of the blue, even for him.  
  
"What?"  
  
Bones shrugged. "I'm just saying. Spock is going to break you if you try, and if that happens, I'm not going to put you back together again."  
  
Jim resisted the urge to roll his eyes.  
  
"We're not talking about Uhura."  
  
"Good. Then who are we talking about?"  
  
And of all the questions Bones could have asked, that was one Jim couldn't possibly answer. Rubbing the back of his neck nervously with one hand, he tried to avoid looking directly into Bones' eyes.  
  
"You know, I…I'd rather not talk about that right now."  
  
That eyebrow rose again, and for a second a look crossed Bones' face which Jim was absolutely unable to place. But just as quickly as it had come, the other man's face shut down again.  
  
"Damn it Jim, just spit it out. You might be off duty, but some of us actually have work to do. If you're desperate enough to ask me for relationship advice, finally get around to it. What did you want to ask?"  
  
Jim drew a deep breath. Bones was his best friend, the one person who had never judged him for any of his shortcomings before. But still, he felt incredibly stupid for what he was about to ask.  
  
"How do you do it?"  
  
Bones seemed confused. "Do what?"  
  
Jim shrugged, trying to hide his embarrassment. "You know. This whole thing about getting into a relationship. How do you get across that you want something serious."  
  
And this time, Jim took offence when Bones started to laugh. It wasn't his fault that the longest relationship he had had in his life was his friendship with Bones, and that he had never met anybody else before who had meant enough to him to even consider commitment. Jim was making a big step here, he really didn't appreciate being laughed at.  
  
"Jesus, Jim. Didn't you think about maybe asking her out on a _date_? A real date, not some excuse to take a drink before you hit the sheets?"  
  
Jim couldn't believe what he was hearing. "What, dinner and a movie? _That's_ your big piece of advice?"  
  
Bones shrugged. "Worked for generations, so it can't be all that wrong. And you're on a starship here, it's not like it's going to be the standard dinner and movie date. Get a little creative, for crying out loud! I can't do all the thinking for you."  
  
And suddenly, Jim wasn't really offended anymore that Bones had laughed about his cluelessness. Another thought had him far more occupied.  
  
Dinner with Bones.  
  
A real date, not just some excuse to get food into their systems as quickly as possible in between shifts. Because if that accounted for a date, they would have been dating for years already. No, a real date, with everything that came attached. Jim was going to figure out how to make this work.  
  
A dinner date with Bones.  
  
That should get interesting.  
  
He fleetingly wondered how long it would take Bones to figure it out.


	2. Chapter 2

A common definition of the word 'disaster' was that of a sudden or great misfortune or failure.  
  
There were plenty of definitions of the word that related to catastrophic events, things that actually cost lives and ruined existences. Jim's current situation didn't seem nearly half as bad as the definition of the word might suggest.  
  
Nevertheless, it was fair to say that Jim's date with Bones was, in all aspects of the word, a disaster. One that didn't cost any lives, destroyed planets or made a lot of people unhappy. But as far as dates went, the label disaster definitely wasn't exaggerating things any.  
  
For Jim, it all started out with the realization of how much _planning_ was actually involved in a date. Jim, loathe as he was to admit it, wasn't particularly experienced in this whole thing. Before he had become Captain of the Enterprise, Jim had never had any problems dating. But back then it had been just as Bones had said – his dates had been excuses to go out for a drink before Jim got down to the part he was really interested in – the sex.  
  
Jim wasn't ashamed to admit it. He didn't think there was anything wrong with angling for sex without commitment. The only problem was that now that Jim was angling for something different, now that he actually wouldn't mind a little commitment with Bones and see where it took them, his previous dating history left him horribly unprepared for it.  
  
And honestly, Jim had never thought that something that sounded as simple as a date would involve so much thought and preparations. People had done it for centuries, after all. Stupid, hormone-driven teenagers did it and didn't seem to have many problems with it, so really – how hard could it be?  
  
The answer was that it was damn near impossible.  
  
It started with the question as to when the date was going to take place. Jim could hardly invite Bones over for dinner and a movie right after the other man suggested to him to ask his hypothetical love interest out for a dinner and a movie. Bones might be oblivious to the fact that Jim was feeling more than friendship for him, but he wasn't stupid.  
  
Besides, they were on opposing shifts this week. Normally, the shift rotation had both Jim and Bones on duty during alpha shift and on call during gamma shift. But some requests for shift change on the bridge as well as M'Benga catching a virus that had him on sick leave for a week, that normal rotation had been screwed to hell. Friday was the earliest day when both he and Bones weren't scheduled for regular duty during either beta or gamma shift.  
  
Jim decided to take it as a good sign that it fell onto what was could be considered the classical terran date night. Maybe this was going to work out after all.  
  
Jim would be more convinced if there weren't so many other things to consider. The next big thing on the list was the question of food. There was the choice between food from the replicators, or something from mess hall. Replicator food was good enough to counter hunger, but it was everyday food with nothing special about it. Mess hall food consisted mostly of replicated ingredients as well, but Chef Emerson at least included whatever fresh ingredients they came across in their travels. It still was no gourmet food, but it was more than one step above an entirely replicated dinner.  
  
But eating in mess hall was out of the question, anyway, and while as the Captain Jim had the privilege to request food from mess hall to be brought to his quarters at any time, it was a privilege he hadn't ever used before. Jim liked mingling with his crew during mealtimes. Not to mention that gossip on the ship was going to rise dramatically if whatever yeoman was going to deliver his dinner found out that the Captain had requested a special dinner for himself and his CMO.  
  
Jim definitely wasn't ashamed of his feelings for Bones, but that didn't mean he wanted the whole ship to gossip about them when there wasn't even anything going on between them yet that would be worth gossiping about.  
  
So where to get the food was a problem he still needed to solve.  
  
And then there was the choice of food as such to consider. Jim had always been more the burgers and fries kind of guy. Vegetables weren't on his daily agenda unless Bones forced them to be, and he had absolutely no idea what an appropriate meal for a date with Bones might be. He knew that a lot of women went for the whole fancy thing when they were asked out on a date. But Bones _definitely_ wasn't a woman, and also he had never put much emphasis on fancy things. Bones was very much a down to earth guy, so maybe that should be reflected in the dinner as well.  
  
The decision wasn't easy, but in the end Jim had to settle on something. So he went and had a little talk with Chef Emerson. Twenty minutes later he left the kitchens area behind the mess hall with the promise of two servings of dinner being ready for him to collect on Friday evening at seven. Steak, green beans, mashed potatoes and gravy, because Chef Emerson's gravy tasted nearly as good as the home cooked ones Jim had grown up with. Jim liked steak, he knew that Bones liked steak, the food didn't come directly out of the replicator, and since Jim was going to get the food from mess hall himself he'd cut off any possible gossip before it even happened.  
  
So far, so good.  
  
Dinner was taken care of, time and place was taken care of. Now it was only the entire rest Jim needed to consider to set this date apart from any other dinner between friends he and Bones had shared over the past years.  
  
It was a bit hard to go for the whole dinner and movie classic Bones had suggested, especially in the confines of a starship. Of course there was a huge collection of movies in the ship's database that the crew could access during their recreational free time. With Bones and him, it wasn't so much a question of choice. And it wasn't going to be the first time they ever watched a movie together, either. Jim didn't doubt that they'd find something they'd both want to watch when it came down to it.  
  
Even if they'd end watching "The Frontier" for the twentieth time, the crappiest movie to ever see the light of day during the 22nd century. It was one of the worst low budget movies, with horrible actors and even worse costumes, but after a couple of drinks it was the most hilarious thing to watch in the entire known universe. Well, it was for him and Bones. Initially, Jim had forced Bones to watch the movie because it told the story of a starship Captain who, after a particularly gruesome battle with Klingons (which were really humans in very, _very_ bad costumes) was afraid to fly on a starship again. The first time they had watched it, Jim had called it a therapeutic measure, Bones had called him an idiot, they had broken out the whiskey and had spent the most entertaining two hours of their first semester at the Academy watching it.  
  
After that, it had become somewhat of a fixture for them to watch it together at least once or twice a year, their drunk running commentary changing with every time they watched it. It was as close to 'their' movie as anything was ever going to get.  
  
So Jim wasn't worried about the movie part, or the dinner part.  
  
He was worried about the whole _date_ part of this arrangement. He and Bones ate together regularly. They watched movies or spent their spare time together regularly. And Jim had absolutely no clue how to set this Friday's date apart from all those other times.  
  
Music was out of the question. For one, Jim would rather eat a Klingon dish than spend eating a steak dinner while crappy romantic music was playing in the background. He didn't even want to imagine Bones' reaction if he did that. Besides, Jim only vaguely knew that Bones liked Blues, and not even which of the seemingly uncountable different kinds of it. Not to mention that for him, Blues ranked right up there with crappy romantic music as far as things he wanted to hear in the background while eating was concerned.  
  
The only other thing Jim could think of that would set a romantic dinner apart from any other dinner was changed lighting. Dimming the room's light seemed like a tad bit too obvious. And candles – well. Open fire was a thing that was frowned upon onboard a starship, and Jim could kinda see the point in that.  
  
So, it all came down to dinner and a movie, and as for the rest, Jim just had to wing it.  
  
He resolved that they weren't going to talk about work, and maybe things would fall into place on their own.  
  
Bones didn't sound surprised or suspicious of anything when Jim sent him the invitation for dinner. He came by Jim's quarters at the appointed time, wearing civilian clothes just like Jim did. It wasn't unusual, they were off duty after all, but still Jim had the feeling that ever since they had embarked on their mission, he hardly ever saw the other man when they were not on duty, just coming off a shift or on his way to go on shift. Seeing Bones now, dressed in a simple pair of black pants and a t-shirt, did all kinds of things to Jim's libido that he didn't want to contemplate any further right now. Not because he didn't like it, on the contrary. But it wouldn't do to thoroughly embarrass himself before their dinner date had even begun.  
  
But still, it was weird. It was just like any of the other uncountable times that they had eaten a meal together, and yet at the same time it was entirely different and way out of Jim's league.  
  
He didn't know why his hands were sweating and his heart was beating frantically in his chest as Bones stepped into his quarters and they sat down to eat. There was no sign that Bones assumed this was anything beyond a dinner between two good friends. Bones dug into his food with enthusiasm, and they chatted about this and that in between bites. It wasn't perfect, not by a long shot. Bones hadn't picked up on Jim's real intention behind this dinner, and that was kinda crappy because Jim really _wanted_ him to pick up on it. But on the other hand Bones hadn't run screaming from the room because his best friend was suddenly making advances on him, either. So it was not like this dinner was a complete failure.  
  
Or so Jim thought.  
  
Not talking shop during dinner had worked relatively well. Of course they talked about crewmembers and things that had happened on the ship, but not to the degree that their conversation had drifted off into talking business the entire time. It had been pleasant, really, just hanging out with Bones, enjoying a good meal, talking about the things that had kept them occupied for the past week. They were sharing stories and laughing together, and wasn't that what people always said a good date was about?  
  
It wasn't going to be that hard to ask Bones to stick around for a little while after they were done eating. All in all, Jim thought that things were going well.  
  
"So, how did your date go?"  
  
Jim nearly choked on his last forkful of mashed potatoes. Bones immediately went into worried doctor mode as Jim hacked and coughed in an attempt to _not_ cover the insides of his lungs with a layer of finely mashed potatoes. A few solid whacks against his back helped dislodge the stray food from Jim's windpipe, but the damage was done. He couldn't have reacted more obviously to Bones' inquiry even if he had tried.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
Jim nodded, hoping that Bones would put the reddening of his face up to the lack of oxygen and not any embarrassment Jim might be feeling.  
  
"Yeah. I'm good. Just some food went down the wrong way."  
  
Bones raised an eyebrow, but settled back in his seat and speared the last piece of his steak on his fork.  
  
"So, how did it go? Your date, I mean."  
  
Jim shrugged. "I don't know."  
  
"You don't know? What kind of answer is that. Either it went well, or it didn't."  
  
Jim shrugged again. What was he supposed to say? _I don't know, let's see if we end up kissing before the movie ends?_ Gosh, he really shouldn't have thought that. Just the thought about kissing Bones was sending his brain onto a downwards spiral of thoughts that was aimed directly at the gutter. Jim wanted that. He wanted to kiss Bones, and now that he thought about it he wanted it really badly.  
Maybe even more so because obviously Bones considered this dinner to be anything but a date.  
  
It was frustrating.  
  
"So what went wrong?"  
  
"I don't know. I think it didn't come across right."  
  
Bones was doing that thing again where he talked with his eyebrows, and Jim forced himself not to look at it. It was too damn distracting. Besides, if he didn't immediately react, he knew that Bones was going to elaborate sooner or later on what his eyebrows had wanted to say.  
"What do you mean? Is she not interested, did she turn you down, did she run screaming from the room? What exactly does _it didn't come across right_ mean?  
  
Here was the thing. Of course Bones still thought that Jim was talking about a woman, and Jim didn't intend to correct him anytime soon. Not unless Bones figured it out on his own. And deep down Jim was a little worried about the fact that in a way this constituted lying to his best friend. But Jim wouldn't be Jim Kirk if he hadn't thought of a way out of this that at least somehow soothed his conscience.  
And it was ingenious in its simplicity, really.  
  
He wasn't going to use pronouns.  
  
It was brilliant, really. Bones could talk about ' _her_ ' or Jim's mystery _woman_ for all he liked, but Jim wasn't going to add downright lying to his subterfuge by doing the same. He wasn't going to mention ' _she_ ' or ' _her_ ' when talking about this _woman_ he was allegedly trying to date. No, Jim was going to play the pronoun game until Bones finally caught up on what his real intentions were. And not only because Bones was going to tear him a new one should he ever find out that Jim referred to him as a ' _she_ ', even if only in a hypothetical. Well, that wasn't the only reason, but it definitely was an important one.  
  
On the downside, it didn't make talking about this whole mess any easier.  
  
"What do you want to hear, Bones?"  
  
Bones rolled his eyes. "How about what went wrong?"  
  
"I don't know. I don't think anything went _wrong_ , really. Maybe I just didn't make it clear enough that it was a date."  
  
Bones seemed to make a habit out of laughing at things Jim didn't consider funny in the least. Not that he was doing it deliberately, because he simply didn't have any clue as to what Jim was really talking about, but still. Bones laughing most certainly didn't help right now. No matter that Bones never looked as good as he did when he was laughing without restraint.  
  
"Jim, seriously. How can someone miss that they're on a date?"  
  
Yeah, Jim was kinda curious about that himself. Bones should probably be able to provide an answer, but Jim wasn't going to press for one right now. No need to make this evening even more embarrassing for himself.  
  
"I don't know. Maybe it seemed too much like a normal dinner between friends rather than a date."  
  
Bones was shaking his head, an amused expression still playing around the corners of his mouth.  
  
"You do know that's a damn ridiculous thing to say, right? People don't just miss that they're on a date. Deliberately, maybe. But you don't just miss things like that."  
  
And that thought sent Jim's mind reeling. Was that Bones' way of subtly telling him that he had realized Jim's intentions but wasn't interested? Or was the thought of him being interested in Bones that far out there that his friend wouldn't even consider the possibility, even if Jim were to make his intentions a lot clearer?  
  
It was all so damn confusing, and nothing Bones said helped any in making things easier.  
  
Jim shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I wasn't that clear on the _date_ part."  
  
"So your mystery woman isn't surprised when you ask her to have dinner with her, as friends, but she doesn't get that you might want to go on a date with her, or deliberately ignores that?"  
  
Jim shrugged. "Obviously, yes."  
  
Bones' left eyebrow was doing wild acrobatics as he took that statement in.  
  
"Are you _sure_ we're not talking about Uhura here?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Come on Jim, what other woman on board this ship is familiar enough with you not to wonder about a dinner invitation, but wouldn't want to date you? Uhura is the only one who comes to mind."  
  
"I'm not trying to date Uhura, Bones. I might be stupid on occasion, but I'm not suicidal."  
  
Another of those eyebrow-raises which said clearly that Bones wasn't convinced that wasn't the case.  
  
"Good. Because I told you before, I'm not going to piece you back together if Spock decides to take you apart."  
  
"Bones, can we stop talking about your unfounded assumptions that I'm trying to score a date with Uhura and get back to my problem?"  
  
The other man rolled his eyes, but nodded his acquiescence.  
  
"All right. So what do you want to hear?"  
  
"I don't know. Obviously, your dinner and movie suggestion didn't work out. At all. You're the one who's been all about monogamous relationships before, you tell me what I'm supposed to do."  
  
Bones' eyes bulged slightly at Jim's mention of the word _monogamous_ , but Jim decided to leave that reaction without comment for now. There were really more important things that were bothering him.  
  
"I don't know what to do, Bones. It's just that…I have the feeling this could become something good. You know what I mean? Something that lasts."  
  
Bones snorted. "What, love eternal, marriage and kids? That kind of crap?"  
  
The remark stung more than it should have, and Jim couldn't really pinpoint why that was so. But he swallowed that feeling of… _anger_? _disappointment_? down and pretended he didn't care about it as much as he did.  
  
"No. Maybe. I mean, Bones, I have no idea, okay? Not everything has to be a frigging cliché, does it? All I'm saying is that I really think this could turn into something good, but I have no fucking clue how to get it started. I could really use your help."  
  
Bones looked at Jim for a long moment, and the expression on his face confused Jim. He could have sworn, for a moment before Bones' face shifted back into a neutral mask again, that there had been hurt flashing in the other man's eyes. And that was yet another thing in a long line of things that didn't make any sense. Finally, after a long moment, he shook his head with a sigh.  
  
"Damn it Jim, I'm the last person you should be asking this. I'm a divorced grumpy bastard who doesn't exactly have the best track record in keeping a relationship. I mean, you see what's come out of it – I told you to take your mystery woman on a date and it didn't work out. You should really ask someone else. Ask Uhura, her relationship seems to work out just fine."  
  
Jim shook his head. "I'm not asking Uhura, I'm asking you. Seriously, she's dating a _Vulcan_. That's one kind of dating advice I really don't need. Besides, Uhura isn't my best friend. She's not the person who knows me inside out. That's you."  
  
Bones shrugged. "And I don't know what to tell you, Jim. I'm stuck. Damn it, I don't even know _who_ it is you're talking about. All I know is that there's no one thing that works for everybody. Some women want the whole dating routine, some want to be wooed and knocked off their feet by your efforts. Some want presents. I don't know what your girl wants, Jim. And if you don't know either, go with the classics. Get her some flowers, I'm sure Sulu can help you pick something out in the hydroponics lab. Or figure out something that she really likes, and get her a present. If all fails, just tell her how you feel about her. If you think this thing between you can be something so special, she shouldn't be averse to that. Worst thing that can happen is that she'll blow you off, and at least then you'll know for sure."  
  
Oh yeah, and wasn't that a cheerful thought – knowing for sure that there was no way Bones was ever going to want more than a friendship with him. No, a downright confession of his feelings was a risk Jim wasn't going to take. Not for as long as there was still another way.  
  
But the definite flaw of his ingenious plan to get advice on how to woo Bones from the Doctor himself was that, at least right now, Bones didn't seem particularly inclined to keep talking about the topic, hypothetically or not. He shook his head, threw his napkin down on the plate and pushed his chair back.  
  
"I'm sure you'll figure it out, Jim. I gotta go, with M'Benga out sick I got paperwork piling up on my desk. Thanks for dinner, I'll see you tomorrow. Good night."  
  
Jim was too stunned to say anything but a mumbled 'good night' back as the other man got up from his chair and walked out of the room. The swish of the automated doors closing behind Bones was the only thing to break the silence, and for long minutes after his friend's departure Jim remained seated at the table, staring at the remains of their dinner as he tried to figure out what had gone wrong.  
Well, he guessed that meant no movie tonight.  
  
No small wonder he had never felt the need to get into this whole dating business. It was complicated. And pretty damn frustrating.  
So the date had been a total bust. A disaster, really.  
  
But Jim wasn't going to let a simple disaster discourage him. This was about winning over Bones' heart, and while he admittedly still didn't have the slightest idea _how_ to do it, he wasn't going to give up that easily. He just had to figure out a different tactic.  
  
Jim was good at tactics. He was a Starfleet Captain, after all.  
  
He only needed the right idea, then Bones was going to slap himself silly for having missed Jim's true intention in the first place.   
  
Jim only needed to figure out the perfect way to do this.


	3. Chapter 3

The definition of 'failure' was easy. It was a lack of success.  
  
A business venture could turn out to be a failure, and diplomatic missions did so on a regular basis. Harvests could fail, people could fail, and a failure of health could prove quite fatal indeed. Jim knew all that. What he hadn't previously known was that a simple gift could be a big failure, too.  
  
A gift had actually seemed like a good idea at first.  
  
Or so Jim had thought. And it had been Bones' suggestion, and Jim had vowed to follow those in his quest to win over the other man's heart.  
  
Although Jim was definitely going to skip Bones' suggestion about flowers. For one, the hydroponics lab was the one place on board that Jim didn't go to if he didn't absolutely have to. It was just too warm, too humid, and stuffed entirely too full of plants he could possibly be allergic to. He didn't particularly fancy Bones and his hyposprays (well, he didn't fancy the hyposprays, Bones was another matter entirely), he definitely didn't want to provoke encounters with their combined force.  
  
Besides, just the thought of asking Sulu to help him pick out flowers for Bones was…unthinkable, really. No, Jim was definitely going to file this one suggestion as unusable since it had been clearly coined for a woman. And no, Jim was no misogynist, but presenting Bones with a bouquet of flowers equaled an invitation to get punched in the face. And somehow, Jim had the feeling that wouldn't be a good start to the relationship he was pursuing.  
  
But the gift idea in general was a good one.  
  
Of course, Bones was not the kind of guy for whom it was easy to figure out a gift, as a number of birthdays had proven over the past years. He just wasn't somebody who revealed a lot about himself to people who knew him casually. But Jim knew his best friend better than that, so it wasn't all that hard to come up with something.  
  
And yes, a bottle of bourbon might seem superficial to the casual observer, but that was because they had no clue about the real idea behind it.  
  
Right after their very first meeting, Jim hadn't quite known what to make of Bones and his drinking habits. He knew never to judge a book by its cover, but someone who only drank occasionally most certainly didn't carry around a hip flask filled with bourbon. It had led to some assumptions on Jim's part about the frequency with which Bones consumed alcohol, and in part that assumption had been proven right.  
  
It had taken him a while and a couple of drunk evenings on campus to piece together the whole story, however. Because back then it had taken quite a bit of liquid persuasion to make Bones open up about anything remotely personal. It had taken some time to change that attitude even marginally. Today still, Bones didn't willingly talk about personal issues, but at least it wasn't as hard anymore to coax things out of him as it had been back then.  
  
When Bones had enlisted in Starfleet, the ink under his divorce papers had barely been dry. And from everything Jim had pieced together about how the separation and subsequent divorce had happened, it had been a hellish six months leading up to the moment when Bones decided that leaving the planet was the only option he had left. During that time, Bones had definitely drunk too much, although Jim most certainly wasn't one to judge that. He had been through some crappy spots himself, and he had no idea what it was to lose your home, your marriage and the right to see your own daughter all at once.  
  
Bones, Jim had come to realize, was someone who drank when he was unsettled. Whenever there was something Bones didn't know how to deal with, when his life was moving too fast for him to catch up on and find his footing, that's when Bones drank more than was healthy.  
  
Joining Starfleet, as crazy of an idea as it sounded for someone suffering from aviophobia, had been just the thing Bones had needed at the time. It had given him a purpose, regular schedules, and something to work forward to. At times, Jim had contemplated whether or not their friendship had played a part in the way Bones had settled into his new life as well, but not even he wasn't self-centered enough to assume it had played more than a supporting role in all this.  
  
During their years at the Academy, Bones had joined Jim for the occasional, sometimes more than occasional, outing at a bar. They had gotten drunk together on quite a few occasions, but surprisingly it had always been Bones who had held Jim back whenever going out had interfered with their studies or scheduled classes. It hadn't stopped them from getting totally wasted on a few memorable occasions, but the student Leonard McCoy had always been extremely focused and goal-oriented, and he had been the one who had always kept an eye out so that things wouldn't get out of hand.  
  
And now, as the CMO on the Federation's flagship, Bones took his responsibilities more than serious. Not only was he on duty or on call most of the time anyway, but also during the times when he wasn't on duty there was enough for him to do that required sobriety.  
  
He still enjoyed the occasional glass of bourbon after a particularly hard day, or in celebration of something. Just never when he was on duty, and not with any kind of regularity Jim could discern. It was as if the purpose of his drinking had changed drastically at some point along the way.  
  
Back on Earth, Bones had been drinking to forget. Ironically, now that he was on the Enterprise, drinking was a way to remember home.  
  
Jim didn't know what exactly it was, he had no point of reference to the feeling of home in his own life. Not really. But he knew Bones well enough to understand, to some degree at least, that for his friend savoring a glass of bourbon took him on a journey home, away from the darkness of space that he hated so much, and back to the places he had known for all his life. Jim could only guess that those memories were not without their own brand of pain about the things Bones had lost, or left behind, but if he could face that pain without feeling the urge to drink it all away, Jim thought it might be a healthy kind of pain.  
  
And tough Jim would probably never be able to grasp it entirely, he knew that for Bones the occasional glass of good bourbon was a connection to the planet he had left behind. And really, that was all he needed to understand to be sure that Bones was going to realize the reasons behind the gift.   
  
As far as his drinks were concerned, Bones had always been partial to bourbon (Jim had forced all memories of that one evening that had revealed his friend's affection for something as weird as mint juleps from his mind), and while there were plenty of planets out there with new and interesting variants of that kind of liquor, Bones kept a bottle of plain Kentucky Bourbon in his quarters which he only broke out on occasions that deserved it.  
  
Jim had it on good intelligence that this bottle just happened to be nearly empty.  
  
Of course, on a starship in deep space, bourbon that tasted exactly like the Kentucky brand Bones favored was extremely hard to come by. Especially if one took Starfleet's regulations concerning the acquisition and consumption of alcohol into consideration, which Jim in this particular case decided not to do. But Jim wasn't surrounded by crewmembers who were geniuses in their fields for nothing. And if there was one unspoken rule on board the Enterprise, then it was that if you had a question concerning anything remotely to do with alcohol, there was one guy to go to.  
  
So Jim, just being Jim, and definitely not in his role as Captain James T. Kirk, went to see Mr. Montgomery Scott about a hypothetical.  
  
It turned out that if there was a hypothetical still somewhere in Engineering, one that nobody knew about, it was hypothetically possible to distill a really good bourbon. All that it took was a couple of nifty changes to the replicator settings (hypothetically, of course) to get them to replicate the corn and other required grains just right. Then the only thing left to do was the actual – albeit hypothetical – distilling, and figuring out a way to mimic the aging process in oak barrels.  
  
Furthermore, it turned out that a Starfleet Engineer was hypothetically perfectly capable of going through all the steps in this process, and in less than a week Jim found himself placing an entirely non-hypothetical bottle of Mr. Scott's finest on Bones' desk.  
  
He had timed everything just right. Jim placed the bottle in Bones' office right before his shift began, and then he found a reason to accidentally drop by ten minutes after Bones came on duty – enough time for his CMO to discover the present left for him and ponder the question who it had come from a little, but not too long afterwards to ruin the immediate mental connection Jim hoped Bones' brain was going to supply.  
  
It turned out that Jim's timing was truly impeccable.  
  
He arrived just in time to see Bones hold the bottle of bourbon – upended over the sink in the corner of his office as he poured the results of a week's worth of hard engineering work and one big (and entirely non-hypothetical) favor Jim now owed Scotty down the drain.  
  
"Bones! What are you doing?"  
  
Bones turned around at the sudden and quite outraged voice of protest, but didn't interrupt his activity of pouring away a perfectly good drink.  
  
"What does it look like I'm doing? I'm throwing this stuff out."  
  
It took Jim a second to remind himself that he wasn't supposed to know about the bottle of bourbon on Bones' desk and thusly had to reign in his outrage a little.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Why?" Bones shook out the last drops from the bottle and threw it into the recycler. "Why, Jim? A bottle of some unidentified liquid just ends up standing on my desk, no message and no sign of whoever put it there, you can bet your ass I'm going to pour it away."  
  
It might be the early morning hour, but Jim's brain was entirely unable to keep up with his friend's logic.  
  
"But…why? It was good bourbon!"  
  
"How do you know that?"  
  
Surprised, Jim did a slight double take before he recovered. "I can smell it right where I'm standing. Why would you waste a perfectly good liquor?"  
  
Bones rolled his eyes at Jim. Lately, that seemed to be his favorite activity when interacting with his friend.  
  
"Why? Are you serious, Jim? I have no idea who put that stuff here. It could be poisoned for all I know."  
  
And yes, that was the most paranoid answer Jim had ever heard in his entire life.  
  
"Poisoned?"  
  
"Yes, poisoned."  
  
Shaking his head, his heart still bleeding a little at the thought of all the work gone to waste, Jim stepped further into the office.  
  
"Bones, we're on a starship. You know all the crewmembers aboard, every single one of them, and not a single one of them holds a grudge against you. We haven't had any guests on board in weeks. Who would want to poison you? A crewmember who didn't like his last physical?"  
  
"I don't know Jim, but damn it, I'm not going to just drink the stuff on good faith and try to figure out the _who_ and _why_ while I'm busy dying a horrible and painful death."  
  
His cheerful persona and overflowing optimism had always been the thing that attracted Jim most about Bones.  
  
"So you never took into consideration that it might have been a perfectly harmless gift from a friend? Or, what do I know, a secret admirer maybe?"  
  
Bones snorted. "A secret admirer? That's a good one, Jim. Just because you have a mysterious love-interest you're pursuing doesn't mean the whole ship is infected by this sudden bout of romance."  
  
"The Captain has a mysterious love interest?"  
  
Both men turned around at the female voice interrupting their conversation. Head Nurse Christine Chapel was standing in the doorway, looking from Jim to Bones and back again, completely unashamed at the fact that she had just walked in on her two superior officers discussing rather personal things. Jim felt his ears flush slightly at the thought that of all the conversation, she had heard exactly that last part, but Bones pretended as if he hadn't even heard her question.  
  
"Was there a reason you came in here without knocking, Christine?"  
  
Chapel shrugged, seemingly not bothered by the tone of his voice. But then again, to work with Bones as efficiently as Chapel did, she had to have some kind of immunity against his gruff attitude. "I just followed the shouting and tried to find out if I had to break out the med-kits."  
  
Bones merely raised an eyebrow at her, which she responded to with a dramatic eye-roll, then she turned and left the office again, closing the door behind her. Jim was slightly taken aback at the silent communication that had just happened in front of his eyes. He knew that Bones and his Head Nurse were a good team, but that they had it down so well that they didn't actually need words to convey messages like _'It's none of your business, now go'_ and _'All right, all right, next time you're shouting, see if I care'_ scared him a little.  
  
Correct that, it scared him a lot. Especially since he had known Bones for years now, and half the time he had no idea about the hidden meanings of his eyebrow acrobatics, or the finer nuances of his various scowls.  
  
"I guess I can scratch her off the list, then."  
  
And that was the moment where Jim officially lost track of the conversation.  
  
"Who? What list?"  
  
Bones only shrugged, gesturing vaguely at the spot the head nurse had just vanished from. "Christine. She obviously had no idea that you're going all Casanova all of a sudden. I'd say if she was your mysterious lady friend, she'd at least have a clue. And it's your luck, too. The last thing I need is you and someone from my medical staff going into an epic romance. You spend way too much time here in Medical as it is, God knows what you'd do to yourself if you had a reason for coming down here even more often."  
  
Jim was fairly sure that his eyes were bulging out of his head at this point. His brain was desperately trying to keep up with what Bones was saying, but he didn't even get as far as being outraged at the fact that his friend would assume the person he was trying to win over was Christine Chapel. Another point much earlier in the conversation took up all his mental capacities.  
  
"You're having a _list_ of women you think I might want to date?"  
  
Again, Bones only shrugged. "It's not like I have anything written down. It's just that there's a definite suspect pool, one that Christine's no longer a part of."  
  
Jim could only shake his head in total astonishment.  
  
"And who the hell is on that list?"  
  
"Well, in the beginning I have to admit that the entire female crew was on it."  
  
"And now what? Now you've taken off Chapel and Uhura?"  
  
Bones frowned, his head going from side to side slightly as if trying to weigh Jim's words.  
  
"Chapel, actually. I'm still on the fence about Uhura."  
  
Jim threw his hands in the air in frustration. At that point, he was this close to just grab Bones by the shoulders and shake some sense into him while he told him to scratch every damn member of the crew off his ridiculous list safe for one blind and maddeningly oblivious CMO. It took every ounce of self-restraint he had not to spill his secret right there and then.  
  
"I'm not trying to date Uhura, how many times do I have to tell you that?"  
  
Bones seemed strangely calm in the face of his best friend's outrage.  
  
"She's still the one who makes the most sense. Unless you're angling for a romance with someone of a much lower rank than you have, in which case let me warn you that Starfleet really frowns upon that kind of thing."  
  
Jim shook his head and sank down in one of the chairs in front of Bones' desk.  
  
"You're thinking way too much about this. You know that, right?"  
  
Again, an expression crossed Bones' face that Jim was completely unable to define. It was something Jim wouldn't have noticed normally, but it had been happening more frequently lately. And especially now, when he was struggling to come to terms with his feelings for his best friend, Jim didn't like the feeling that Bones was getting more distant from him instead of closer.  
  
"It's not like you've been keeping secrets before, Jim."  
  
And this time, the slight tinge of hurt in Bones' voice was clear and undisguised, and it sent a sharp jab of something Jim never wanted to feel again through his insides. He didn't want to give Bones the feeling that he was left out. He desperately wanted to let Bones in on the secret. And he would, if he wasn't so afraid that confessing his feelings would ruin the best thing that had ever happened to him in his life.  
  
"I'm not exactly used to this, Bones. I'm totally out of my depth here, and as long as _I_ haven't really figured out what I've let myself in for, talking about it will only make it even more confusing."  
  
It was one of the weakest excuses Jim had ever come up with. He knew it. And he knew that Bones knew it, too. It was clear from the way his friend's shoulders tensed at the words, and from the resigned nod and sigh that followed this statement.  
  
"Yet still you want my advice."  
  
And yeah, put like that it sounded as if Jim was being a complete asshole. Not if one considered the whole picture, of course. But Jim was the only one who had the whole picture, and so he could understand why Bones was feeling as if he had drawn the short stick in this whole mess.  
The only thing Jim had left to bring forth was the one thing that meant the world to him, but that sounded like yet another weak excuse in this particular situation.  
  
"You're my best friend."  
  
Bones nodded, and for the first time since the day they had met on that shuttle, their friendship seemed more of a burden than a blessing to him. Jim wanted to turn around, leave the office and pretend that this conversation had never happened. If this was the only way he could figure this out, by keeping secrets from Bones and hurting him in the process, Jim thought he might prefer to just take a step back and savor his friendship with the other man rather than chase the dream of something more.  
  
The problem was, it wasn't exactly his brain that was doing the thinking and deciding for him right now. Jim liked to think that it was his heart instead, mostly because Bones hadn't earned anything less. Deep down, Jim was afraid of the true answer to that question.  
  
"You're the only one I know that I can talk to about this."  
  
Bones sighed, running a hand over his face wearily.  
  
"Damn it Jim, I'm a doctor, not a sex therapist."  
  
"I told you Bones, it's not about sex. I wish it was, then it wouldn't be so hard."  
  
Bones was silent for a few moments, then with another shake of his head he seemed to come to a conclusion and finally looked up at Jim.  
  
"I take it that romance and Jim Kirk haven't gotten to know each other better since we last talked about this."  
  
Jim laughed mirthlessly. "You have no idea. I mean, there has to be an easy way to get the message across, right? Otherwise nobody would ever get any dating done."  
  
Bones chuckled, with just as little humor as Jim just had.  
  
"You could always just come out and say it."  
  
"I'd really prefer a middle way between _that_ and my current dilemma."  
  
Bones looked at Jim for a few seconds, then he shook his head and rubbed his eyes tiredly.  
  
"Listen Jim, I don't really think there's anything else I can tell you without knowing who we're even talking about."  
  
Jim knew that he was treading in dangerous waters here, but he hoped that Bones cared too much about their friendship than to get enraged about Jim's next words.  
  
"What did you do? Before you got married, I mean. You must have been dating then."  
  
Both Bones' eyebrows shot up towards his hairline, but the rage Jim had been worried about didn't show on his face.  
  
"You want to know how I was courting Jocelyn? Even though our marriage went down the drain spectacularly?"  
  
Jim didn't know what surprised him more – the fact that Bones not only knew a word like _courting_ , but was actively using it to describe his actions, or that there was no discernible bitterness in Bones' voice at the mention of his ex-wife and the divorce.  
  
But then again, he should know by now. Jim still didn't fully understand it, and as Bones' friend he admittedly was biased. For years, Jocelyn McCoy had only ever been _The Ex_ for him, the one person Bones didn't like to talk about and – as far as Jim was concerned – the source of all evil. Most of all, she had been the reason why Bones had to fight to be able to see the most important person in his life.  
  
But time seemed to heal wounds, or at least it had in the relationship of Bones and his ex-wife. Nothing changed the ugliness that had been their divorce, but time and distance had probably shed a new light onto what had gone down for both of them. And probably it was a lot easier to deal with a failed marriage with hundreds of light-years between them. A daughter who clearly loved her mother but insisted on her father playing a regular part in her life most certainly helped restoring a lot of burned bridges, as well.  
  
The detailed reasons were still a mystery to Jim, and maybe it wasn't so much a combination of reasons than a development over time. But while Bones and Jocelyn still weren't anywhere in the vicinity of being friends, they had reached a level of civil interaction Jim would have previously thought impossible. And more importantly, Bones had reached a point where occasionally he would talk about Jocelyn, or his marriage, without bitterness creeping into his voice.  
  
But Bones remained silent for so long that Jim already thought that for today, Bones had said as much about his own dating experiences as he was willing to. He was already searching for a good way to steer the conversation back into safe waters when Bones continued.  
  
"There is one thing. It's probably stupid, and I doubt that it's going to help you any, but you asked for it."  
  
Bones paused, but Jim didn't interrupt. It was rare enough that his friend bared something this personal about himself without excessive amounts of alcohol in his bloodstream, and Jim wasn't going to interrupt him now.  
  
"We weren't even dating back then. We had a few mutual friends, met occasionally, and I was trying to come up with a good way to ask her out on a date. Jocelyn was a dancer, did I ever tell you that?"  
  
Jim shook his head, watching in rapt fascination as a small fond smile showed on Bones' face.  
  
"Ballroom dancing. She had been doing it for years, too. And there was this huge dancing tournament that she had always wanted to dance at. She finally got the chance to, but then her partner dumped her barely a month before the tournament was taking place. One night she told me about it, and before I could even think about what I was doing I had told her that I was going to take her to the tournament."  
  
Jim was taken aback. "I didn't know you could dance."  
  
Bones laughed. "I can't dance for shit. Never took a dancing lesson in my life until that day. Of course I didn't tell her that. I thought how hard could it be? So I took a few lessons before the competition, whenever I could squeeze in some time between hospital shifts and classes. Ended up halfway capable of dancing a waltz, and I figured that was going to be enough."  
  
Again, Bones laughed and shook his head at the memory. "God, I thought she was going to tear my head off right there on the dance floor before we were even halfway through the first dance. I was awful. I kept stepping on her feet, was constantly out of rhythm and was essentially making an ass out of myself in front of all other participants and the judges. After that first round, she dragged me out into the corridor and started yelling at me on top of her lungs, asking me whether I had completely lost my mind or simply wanted to embarrass her."  
  
Jim fought back the urge to laugh.  
  
"What did you do?"  
  
Bones shrugged. "I told her the truth. I told her that I knew shit about dancing, but that I would have to be blind not to see how much dancing at this damn tournament meant to her, and that she hadn't earned missing out on her chance to do so just because her usual dance partner was an asshole who was stupid enough to dump her. If I had to make an ass out of myself for her to have this one night she always wanted, I thought it was a fair price to pay."  
  
Something clenched painfully in Jim's gut at those words, a weird feeling that he couldn't quite place. It was painful, yet at the same time a strangely warm feeling, and he wasn't quite sure whether he wanted it to stop or not. This was a totally different side to Bones, one Jim wasn't sure he had ever seen before.  
  
"So what happened then?"  
  
"She kissed me." He shook his head with a slightly disbelieving smile, as if he still couldn't quite explain how that had happened. "And then we went back inside and danced. There was no chance in hell we were going to win any prizes with my stumbling attempts at dancing, but we had more fun than I had in a long time. We didn't give a damn about any of the other couples, or about what the judges were thinking. We talked, we laughed, basically we had a blast while she taught me about dancing and tried to make me look less like a tone-deaf fool. That was the night we fell in love."  
  
Bones stared ahead unfocusedly for a few seconds, then he shook his head as if to clear his thoughts.   
  
"That's all I got, Jim. Maybe the only thing you can do is throw all thought about yourself out of the window, and just give that person you care for something you hope will make them happy. And if that doesn't work, maybe it's not meant to be."  
  
For a moment, Bones looked as if he was going to say something else, but then Chapel's voice was calling out for him from outside, and it was as if the spell was broken.  
  
"I'd better get to work," Bones grumbled, his voice sounding again just like it normally did, with no trace left of the underlying emotions that had been present during his earlier words. He got up from his chair and walked past Jim to his office door.  
  
"I'm sure you'll figure something out."  
  
Jim could only nod, still too confused by everything he had heard. He was sure that on the surface, Bones had just given him some sound advice on his relationship issues. But he couldn't shake the feeling that he had been saying so much more underneath the obvious, something Jim didn't quite dare to try and figure out.  
  
Throw all thought of himself out of the window and do something to make the person he loved happy. Bones had made it sound so easy, just as if what he had done back then for Jocelyn had been nothing.  
  
It didn't sound like nothing to Jim.  
  
In fact, it sounded pretty damn hard.  
  
And Jim had no idea how to do it. But he was going to figure it out.


	4. Chapter 4

Jim had tried to woo Bones with a date, and it had ended in a disaster. He had tried to give him a nice, thoughtful gift, and that had been a complete failure, too. And on top of that, their last conversation was still echoing in his mind, confusing him far more than any of his clumsy attempts at garnering Bones' attention had been.

Bones had been…hurt. There was no other way to say it. And it hadn't been because their conversation had strayed into the territory of Bones' marriage and the time when his relationship with Jocelyn had still seemed like the best thing that could have happened to him. No, that part of the conversation hadn't been the cause of the hurt Jim had seen in his friend's eyes. It had been Jim's insistence on advice, his bringing it up again despite Bones' protests that had brought those expressions to his friend's face.

It confused Jim to no end, and that was exactly what he hadn't wanted to happen. Jim's feelings for Bones and his – admittedly – clumsy attempts at showing them should be a cause for joy, at worst a complimentary thing even if Bones found that he couldn't reciprocate them. It shouldn't be confusing, or hurting.

Somewhere along the line there was an enormous misunderstanding between them. Jim hadn't yet figured out what it was, but he'd be damned if he didn't get to the bottom of it and resolved it somehow.

Maybe the whole planning had sucked. Trying to force things obviously wasn't going to work, not if Bones refused to see it when dinner with Jim was supposed to be a date, and definitely not when his unfounded paranoia made him pour away a perfectly good bourbon instead of enjoying the gift.

Jim simply was going to have to change track, and stop trying to force the opportunities. That was a great plan. He was going to keep his eyes out, and as soon as a situation presented itself in which he could show the other man that his feelings for him went deeper than the incredibly close friendship they had, he was going to seize it.

James T. Kirk wasn't a tactical genius for nothing.

Or so he thought.

Fact was, the only points Jim was able to score over the following weeks were points for endurance, and not giving up. His score of success remained at an unfortunate – not to mention embarrassing – zero percent. It seemed he had inadvertently done something to seriously piss off Lady Luck, there simply was no other explanation as to why his attempts just kept backfiring at him.

First there was their two-day stopover at Starbase 11. They were taking on supplies and getting some small repairs done. The routine procedure left more than ample time for every crewmember to spend time off the ship, and it didn't take much arranging for Jim to make sure he and Bones were off duty at the same time.

Not that Starbase 11 was the entertainment center of the known universe, far from it. But it was a distraction from everyday ship life, and it was a trading outpost. So there were different species to meet, restaurants to frequent, stores to get some shopping done. Christmas was approaching, and with it a short shore leave on Earth. The opportunity to buy a Christmas present for Joanna would have been incentive enough to get Bones on that transporter pad and leave the ship for a little while. Not that Jim needed to put any effort into convincing Bones to go and see the Starbase with him. Just this once, luckily, things seemed to fall into place.

And Jim would be damned if he was going to leave room for interpretation during their next dinner. He still had no clue how he was going to do it on a place as admittedly unromantic as a Starbase, but he was going to make it work somehow.

This time Jim didn't over-think his planning and was completely content to just let things run their course and see where it was going to take them.

It might have worked, too.

Unfortunately, Jim was never going to find out.

They explored a couple of different stores for maybe an hour or two. Jim stopped at a Talassian snack booth in between two of those to tide him over until dinner, while Bones tried to find the right present for a nine-year old whom he hadn't seen in far too long. It was relaxed, without haste and a nice change to the usual pace of life on the ship.

Then two things happened in very quick succession: The first was that Bones found his present for Joanna. The second thing, nearly simultaneously, was that Jim threw up Talassian curry all over his own shoes.

Jim's recollection of what exactly happened during the minutes after they entered the store and before he woke up again back in Sickbay, curled up on a biobed and with horrible cramps setting his body afire, was hazy to nonexistent. All he did remember was thinking that Bones holding his head steady while Jim threw up everything he had ever eaten into a sterile basin wasn't anywhere in the vicinity of a date.

And Jim wasn't the only one who had eaten at that Talassian snack booth, so in no time Sickbay was filling up with crewmembers who were clutching their stomachs, a decidedly green tinge to their faces. No, group vomiting hadn't been part of Jim's plans for the night, but that unfortunate snack had put an end to whatever outcome Jim might have intended.

And if Bones spent just a little more time at Jim's bedside than with his other patients, if he held Jim steady during his violent bouts of vomiting and tried to smooth him through the cramps, the pain and the embarrassment that came with a total loss of control over his own bodily functions, Jim was too busy with his own pain and discomfort to notice.

Maybe they simply weren't made for dinner dates. The universe was sending him a sign, in glaring, flashing neon colors, and Jim received it, loud and clear.

The problem was that nothing else seemed to work right, either.

Jim thought that maybe a few small things would be enough to add up to get the bigger message across. A few nice words here, a subtle (or not so subtle) hint there, if he only kept adding things up surely at one point Bones had to understand.

Or not.

Again, Jim was never going to know.

True enough, Bones' new haircut was anything but spectacular. It looked good, it really did, but it was really nothing unusual. Bones got his hair cut regularly, and not out of any fancy reasons but simply because it was practical, and in accordance with regulation.

And it was also true that Jim normally didn't comment on it when Bones got his hair trimmed.

But still, Jim thought it was more than just an overreaction when Bones whipped out his medical tricorder, ran it over Jim's head and asked him if he was feeling quite all right, all just because Jim told him that he liked the new haircut.

So yes, subtle hints were not working. At all. Not if Jim barely managed to smooth-talk himself out of a lobotomy just because he had dared to compliment Bones on his new haircut.

So what was left?

Really, Jim couldn't think of anything that would convey his feelings for Bones without adding any pressure on the other man. Even if Bones didn't love him back, Jim didn't want that to strain their friendship. And that was something Jim found it increasingly hard to get across in any kind of planned encounter. So maybe all that was left for Jim was to wait for a seemingly ordinary moment to turn into something romantic, and just let things run their own course from there.

Not that Jim had ever been anything even remotely resembling to patient. He wasn't made for waiting, but if forcing things didn't work, that was all that was left for him to do. He had to wait for the opportune moment.

Like that scouting mission on the uninhabited Class M planet a few weeks after the debacle also known as Jim trying to compliment Bones on his haircut.

A night-survey on an uninhabited planet with no natural predators big enough to pose a threat to the crewmembers sounded like just the chance Jim had been waiting for. Normally, he might not even have gone down on that mission. The planet's properties were something far more interesting to the science and medical team than for an adventurous Captain. There was no first contact to be made, no negotiations to be held, and if Jim was honest with himself scanning the local plant- and wildlife for unusual medical or scientific properties wasn't exactly his idea of a fun outing.

But Bones was going to be there, and a night-survey meant sleeping in two-man tents, it meant the closest to campfire romance they were likely going to get on a mission. Jim didn't know what exactly was going to happen, but he thought that if any situation might turn spontaneously romantic, it was an outing like this one.

So Jim took a shuttle planetside, along with Bones, Chekov and a team from the Science Department. And truly, the planet was beautiful – close enough to Earth to feel comfortable, yet just different enough to keep the feeling of discovery excitedly humming in the background while they worked.

Something might have developed during the night, Jim was sure of that. They were relaxed, there was easy banter and a feeling of proximity Jim found himself cherishing as he worked with Bones and the Science Team, collecting samples and performing scans.

Something might have.

But then a storm picked up, suddenly, violently, and completely out of nowhere. Within seconds, it tore down the tents they had constructed after their arrival, and half of their equipment along with it. The storm was so vicious and violent that the team found themselves ducking uprooted plants and panicked animals as they hastily tried to get back into the safety of the shuttle that had brought them here.

And they nearly made it. In fact, they did make it back to the shuttle eventually, but as they were fighting their way there against the wind, an enormous branch hit Chekov straight into the chest and knocked him down.

Jim knew something was horribly wrong when the young man didn't even move, let alone try to get up again after his fall. But there was no time to think as he and Bones hauled Chekov back upright and dragged him the remaining distance to the shuttle. It was only once they were back inside and the doors were closed against the howling wind and pouring rain that Jim realized just how wrong things really were.

Chekov was pale, he wasn't moving, and his breathing was flat and irregular. But what really scared Jim was the deep frown line that appeared between Bones' eyebrows as he ran his tricorder over Chekov's body, and the frantic way in which he started rifling through the shuttle's medical supplies, cursing and growling as he didn't find what he was looking for.

Jim had hoped for this away mission to end on a romantic note and with the realization of long-hidden feelings. Not for one moment had he even considered the possibility that he might have to serve as an unqualified nurse in an impromptu surgery, following Bones' orders and handing him equipment as the Doctor struggled to stop internal bleeding, mend broken bones and re-inflate a collapsed lung with supplies and equipment that weren't sufficient for the task.

On any other day, seeing this competent and capable side to Bones, watching how his hands remained steady as they held on to the young Ensign's life, might have been fascinating, something Jim would have taken time to sit back and admire. Right now, Bones' calm demeanor and the fact that he didn't let on just how screwed they were if the storm didn't let up soon so that the shuttle could start and they could get Chekov somewhere sterile where there was the right equipment to treat him, was the only thing that was holding Jim together.

Jim was scared, terrified by the thought that one of his crewmen was in lethal danger and there was nothing he could do to help him. The fact that Bones was there was the only thing that stopped Jim from freaking the hell out at the sound of Chekov's pained whimpers and labored breaths, and at the sight of the young man's blood pooling on the shuttle floor.

Romance was the last thought on Jim's mind during those moments. And even later, long after Chekov had been settled in Sickbay, his wounds treated professionally, the blood loss compensated for and his outlook good for a full recovery, it didn't move to the forefront of Jim's mind again.

Maybe this was the universe's way of telling Jim to stop his romantic pursuit before he took everyone and everything he cared for down with him. Maybe, as Bones had so eloquently put it during their last conversation, the fact that all his attempts at winning Bones' heart failed so spectacularly was a sign that it simply wasn't meant to be.

It was a painful thought, but Jim found himself thinking it more and more frequently.

Bones was his friend, a friend the likes of which Jim could have never hoped for before they had met. That alone was a gift, and maybe he should simply take that for what it was and stop his useless pursuit of something more. He should be glad for what he had instead of chase after something he might never get.

Of course that was easier said than done. But Jim simply didn't have any other idea how to change things in his favor. Nothing short of telling Bones his feelings, really. But that would put the ball in Bones' court, and worse, it would put the pressure of reacting to the revelation on his friend. That wasn't fair towards Bones, especially since none of Jim's attempts at wooing him so far had provided the slightest sign that a romance with his best friend was a thought Bones had ever consciously entertained.

Maybe they were made out to be friends, nothing more. Nothing less, either, something that was important and should not be forgotten. But still. Nothing more than friends.

It didn't make living with his feelings any better for Jim. It didn't make the nights alone in his bed any more easy to bear, and it most certainly didn't keep his thoughts from straying in a very inappropriate way whenever his tight control on his feelings slipped a little.

The duties of being the Captain of a starship provided some measure of distraction, of course. Nothing managed to chase the thoughts about him and Bones and how right Jim thought they could be together away entirely, but amongst diplomatic missions and the exploration of space at least there was some diversion from his ever-circling thoughts about how to win the other man's heart.

Besides, Christmas was approaching, and with it came two weeks of shore leave on Earth for the entire crew. Maybe things were going to look different from that perspective.

But Jim should have known that the universe seemed to hold a giant grudge against him and would do anything in its power to interfere with Jim's plan for happiness. And thus by proxy, with the happiness of the people close to him.

Really, he could live with busted dates, misunderstood gifts and compliments. Hell, he could even live with unrequited love for the rest of his life if that was what it came down to.

What Jim absolutely couldn't live with were the new orders he received from Starfleet as they set course back for Earth. In fact, he hated them with every fiber of his being, because they forced him to do the one thing Jim wanted to avoid – they forced him to break Bones' heart.

Starfleet's decision was to use the two weeks Enterprise would be in Jupiter Space Dock for more serious overhauls than had been planned initially. Jim had expected some minor repairs and updates as well as stocking up on provisions, but the new orders implied a complete overhaul of and technical upgrades to Engineering, Tactical, and Medical.

The warp engine, all weapons systems as well as the medical equipment in all three medical stations on board were going to receive work-intensive upgrades, and a new scanning chamber was going to be installed in the main Sickbay on G-Deck.

The upgrades weren't the problem. No, the problem was that the new orders implied that shore leave for all personnel from Engineering and Medical was cancelled. Most crewmembers would still have the opportunity to go down to Earth and visit their families at one point during those two weeks, even if only for a day or two. However, the senior officers were going to be too occupied with the work on board to find the time even for that.

For Bones it meant that he wouldn't get to see Joanna. An entire week with his daughter, the first Christmas in years he'd get to spend with her, all the planning that had gone into it, all that was wiped out just like that, by one single order from Starfleet Command. Jim was furious at the unfairness of it all, but powerless in the face of the decision. And on top of everything else, Jim was the one who had to tell his friend about it.

Bones himself took the news as well as could be expected. Jim hadn't really thought he was going to explode in anger, or curse and yell at a decision he knew could not be changed by either Jim or him. He hadn't expected any kind of outwardly strong reaction. But the silent disappointment, and the clear and undisguised pain in Bones' eyes as Jim sat him down and told him about the change in orders only served to enrage Jim even more.

The pain was there, clear as day for Jim to see. And he knew that Bones wasn't ever going to let show just how much this decision hurt him while Jim was there to witness it. And that probably hurt most. There wasn't anything Jim could do to make it better, really, but Bones wasn't even going to let him try. Bones was always trying to make things out on his own, never wanted to bother anybody else with his problems. It was a trait Jim hadn't managed to break his friend out of even after all those years.

But that wasn't the reason why Jim was so upset about what was happening.

It wasn't fair.

Yes, it was a childish statement, and far too simplified, but that was what it all boiled down to. It wasn't fair.

It wasn't fair that they all risked their lives out in space day in, day out, while those Admirals sat around on their asses and basked in the glory their flagship brought them. It wasn't fair that they lived inside a tin box for weeks and months at a time without seeing daylight or breathe air that hadn't been recycled uncountable times before, and the one time in years that they'd get a chance to relax, to see their loved ones in person, Starfleet deemed it more important that they'd oversee repairs which could be done just as well by the personnel on Jupiter Station.

And just like that, it no longer was about Jim's feelings for Bones. It wasn't about trying to make the other man see what he felt for him, about dating or romance or anything even remotely like that. All that it was about was that Jim's best friend, the one person he cared about most was hurt because of something that Jim deemed a completely unnecessary decision.

Jim wasn't going to sit back and let that happen. He wasn't going to stand for that. Not if he could do something about it.

It was just an idea at first, something that sprang to life in the back of Jim's head as he walked back to the Bridge to make the general announcement about the changes in shore-leave schedule. But the more he thought about it, the more Jim was convinced that if he managed to pull this off, it was going to be brilliant.

Jim needed to look into it as soon as his shift was over. There were a number of crewmembers he had to talk to, and a lot of planning that needed to be done. That included a very important call to Earth on a private channel, and maybe he was even going to have to cash in a favor or two with someone higher up the command chain. Nothing infeasible, Jim thought, although there wasn't much time left to get it done.

It simply had to work.

 

OoOoO

 

Jim had been through some hard diplomatic missions and even harder negotiations during his two years of Captaincy. He was used to working under pressure, and thought he had a talent for smooth-talking people into agreeing with him.

Not that he needed to do much convincing as far as the people on his ship were concerned. But his plan stood and fell with the cooperation of a number of people back on Earth who were out of his usual scope of influence. Especially negotiations with Admiralty proved to be far more difficult than Jim had anticipated. It seemed that while saving Earth granted him a lot of leeway and maybe a favor or two, it didn't mean that he didn't have to use every last bit of the negotiation skills he had on his side to get what he wanted.

Jim was angling for five days, so he started out bargaining at seven. After half an hour of heated discussion, lots of stubborn insistence and a lot of promises he hoped he'd never have to fulfill, Jim was granted three days. It was all he could have hoped for, and more than he had feared he'd be able to squeeze out. A compromise was never entirely satisfying, but as far as those went, Jim thought he hadn't done half bad on this particular front.

Interestingly enough, the one person who Jim had thought would put up most resistance to his plan proved to be the smallest obstacle of them all. He was confused, but he'd definitely not look a gift horse in the mouth.

But still, there were obstacles to overcome – there were regulations that had to be dodged around, permissions to be obtained, and most of all, the plan had to be kept absolutely secret. Which, come to think of it, was the hardest part. Not because anybody who was privy to the details of the plan was going to spill something.

No, Jim found himself sorely tempted to simply tell it all and be over and done with. And the sole reason for that urge was that in the week leading up to their arrival at Jupiter Station, Bones' mood had deteriorated horribly. Unearthly was one very fitting way to describe it. Volatile was another. And from what Jim heard, there were worse words used to describe it amongst the medical staff.

Not the most cheerful person in everyday human interaction to begin with, the news that he was going to spend two weeks stuck on the ship while he could be down on Earth visiting his little girl wasn't doing anything for his disposition. It never interfered with the efficiency of his work, but that was the only good thing that could be said about it.

Those who knew the CMO well enough to read the signs kept their distance, but more than once a poor unsuspecting crewmember found himself at the receiving end of a unjustified sharp rebuke or an angry tirade. Jim ran interference whenever he could, tried to focus Bones' outbursts at himself rather than at crewmembers who didn't know how to handle them, and he did all he could to keep Bones distracted from morose thoughts about the upcoming holidays. But not even he could be around at all times. Especially not in between running a ship and carrying out a super secret plan to improve his best friend's mood.

Jim was glad when Enterprise finally docked at Jupiter Space Dock and the end of all secrecy was near.

Though he hated to leave all the work to others, even if it was boring work like all the docking formalities that had to be taken care of. But Jim had an appointment on Earth and a shitload of paperwork to take care of there before he could return to Enterprise. And just for once, Jim hoped that his crew wasn't gong to think less of him for being the first to leave the ship. In fact, Jim was on a transporter shuttle to Earth as soon as the docking clamps had engaged, leaving the tedious task of organizing shifts and crew transport back home to Spock.

Jim had a very good justification, though. The sooner he left, the sooner he was going to be back. And the sooner he was back, the smaller the chance was that Bones was going to kill somebody in the meantime. Jim could understand his friend's frustration, he really could. And he could imagine that it was only going to get worse if he had to watch other crewmembers leave the ship in batches, going home to see their families and spend the holidays with them when he himself was confined to the ship for the duration of their stay.

Yes, it was going to be easier on everybody involved if Jim was going to be back as soon as humanly possible. Less dangerous, too.

But even after he took the first transport to Earth, a travel that took less than half an hour, taking care of everything that needed to be done before his return to his ship ate up more than three hours. Starfleet might not have invented bureaucracy, but they sure as hell had perfected it. So by the time Jim's transport was docking with Enterprise again it was already early afternoon.

Over the comm Jim had requested Bones to met him at the docking port, but he had taken care to make it clear that it was not a medical emergency that required his presence. With Bones, one never knew, and the last thing Jim needed was to be greeted by a gurney and a fully equipped medical team with their tricorders at the ready upon his return to the ship.

The message seemed to have come across, because as the airlock pressurized and the doors slid open, Jim found that it was only Bones standing in the corridor in front of the airlock, arms crossed over the chest of his blue uniform shirt, tapping his foot impatiently with a scowl planted firmly on his face. There was no gurney in sight, but the look on Bones' face promised that Jim's need for one might increase drastically if he didn't tell him soon what this was all about.

"Damn it Jim!" It seemed as if he wasn't inclined to wait for Jim to come forward with an explanation, either. "I've got a Sickbay full of Starfleet technicians who will break more than they're going to repair if I don't keep an eye on them! I don't have time to come and look at whatever shiny thing distracted you during your quick trip back home. Thanks to those lousy Admirals, some of us actually have work to do and can't go planet-hopping. So you either immediately give me a damn good reason why I needed to be here to watch a transport full of engine parts to arrive, or I'm going to go straight back to Sickbay and hope that those idiots haven't broken something else while I was away!"

And compared to most of last week, that was actually Bones in a comparatively calm mood.

Jim didn't doubt for one second that his plan was going to have the desired effect, but he couldn't help but feel his heart speed up in his chest and nervously wiped his suddenly damp palms on his trouser legs.

"You might want to tone down the language a little, Bones."

"Tone down…" If that vein in Bones' throat swelled a little more, Jim was worried it might burst soon. His voice was a low growl, and he made a threatening step closer towards his friend. "Jim, if this is another of your half-cocked schemes to smuggle something aboard I swear I'm going to…"

"See Bones," Jim interrupted, before the other man had the chance to say something he might regret later. "The reason I called you down here is that we found something on the transport that doesn't belong in Engineering. I think it might be something of yours, so I thought you should take a look before we send it back to Earth."

Bones looked at Jim as if he had suddenly grown a second head.

"Jim, whatever you're up to, I'm absolutely sure that there can't possibly be anything of mine on that transport."

Jim only smiled and took a step to the side, revealing the airlock and the entrance to the transport shuttle behind himself to Bones' gaze.

And for a second, complete silence settled over the corridor.

Jim never took his eyes away from Bones though, wanting to see every reaction, every shift in the other man's expression. For a second or two, Bones only stared, his eyes wide and disbelieving. Then a high and clear voice from behind Jim yelled "Daddy!", there was the sound of feet running past him, and it was as if the spell had been broken.

Bones still looked as if he couldn't believe what he was seeing, but years of parental instinct had him crouching down, catching Joanna as she threw herself at him and lifting her up into his arms automatically.

At this point, there was no way Jim was going to take his eyes off the scene in front of him. He didn't want to, couldn't possibly miss seeing how the tension and the disbelief on Bones' face melted away from one second to the next, how he seemed to relax in a way Jim had never seen happen before as he lifted his little girl off the floor and hugged her tightly against himself, cupping the back of her head in one large palm as Joanna wrapped her arms and legs around him and held on as tightly as she could.

Jim saw how Bones' eyes closed for a second as he pressed his face into Joanna's brown hair, and he noticed how his friend's arms tightened around his daughter, as if afraid she was going to vanish, or be torn away from him at any moment. There was still disbelief in his every move and gesture, but the living, breathing proof that this was not a cruel illusion was right there in his arms.

It took a few seconds of silent reunion until Bones seemed assured that this wasn't just a cruel joke and Joanna was going to disappear again. Eventually, he moved his hand away from the back of Joanna's head to brush some strands of hair away from her eyes.

"Jo," he half-whispered, voice rough with emotion and sheer amazement. And while Jim was watching his friend's every move and gesture, he most certainly wasn't ever going to mention the suspicious wet shine in Bones' eyes to anybody. Jim might not be able to relate to what Bones was feeling right now, but it was obvious that for a man who usually kept his feelings to himself, Bones was dangerously close to losing his composure. And that wasn't something he was going to want to share on the ship's grapevine.

Just looking at his friend right now, Jim knew that it had been worth it. That look of surprised disbelief when he had first caught sight of his daughter had been worth it, and the expression of pure, unadulterated joy as he held Joanna close and pressed a kiss on her cheek had definitely been worth it all – the stress, the discussions and negotiations, the battle of wills Jim had fought just to get permission for her to come aboard. It had been worth all that just to see Bones' face light up at the sight of his little girl.

Reluctantly, Bones finally let go of his hold on Joanna and put her back on her own feet. But he kept his arm wrapped firmly around her shoulder, pressing her against his side, and he kept sneaking glances down at her every other moment as if he still couldn't believe entirely that she was really there. Shaking his head, he looked over at Jim.

"But…how? How did you manage to get her aboard?"

Jim shrugged. "Oh, that was one part hard negotiations and two parts ingenious planning, with a dash of my incredible charms thrown in. I won't bore you with the details, I'm sure you've got better things to do right now. Just let me know when you're giving Jo the grand tour of the ship, I promised her I'd let her sit in my chair."

He winked at the girl, who winked right back at him with a huge grin on her face. Jim had never really interacted with Joanna McCoy before this day. He had seen pictures of course, and Jim had been there for the occasional video call between her and Bones, but that half hour on the shuttle earlier had been the first time he had really spent time with her in person. Jim wasn't used to being around children, but Joanna seemed like a bright and cheerful little girl who had made it easy for him to get along with her.

He was sure that there'd be more encounters with her while she stayed aboard, but for now, she and Bones probably wanted some time alone.

The other man, however, still didn't seem to have understood what exactly was going on.

"But Jim, I'm up to my neck in work. Those da…darn technicians are wreaking havoc in Sickbay, and they haven't even started installing the new scanning chamber yet."

Jim smiled knowingly and shook his head, placing a hand over his heart for added dramatic effect.

"Bones. It hurts me that you think I don't have a plan here. Sickbay is covered. M'Benga and Chapel will both take a double shift, and they will oversee the overhauls and new installments. There'll be plenty of time for you to run tests and have the techs make adjustments when Joanna is back on Earth. For now, you two go and have some fun."

But Bones was still shaking his head.

"But…I can't. I mean, I'd love to, nothing more than that, but I can't take time off when everybody else is forced to be on duty. They don't get to see their families either, if word of this gets around, next thing you know is you're going to be accused of favoritism."

And Jim had to admit that as a general assessment, that wouldn't be a complete lie. Definitely not the whole truth, but not a total lie either. But not in this case. Jim hadn't brought Joanna aboard before he had made absolutely sure nobody was going to have issues with his decision. And Bones needed to understand that. For once in his life, he needed to stop thinking about everybody else first and himself later.

"No other senior officer has kids. Neither have Chapel nor M'Benga. And I checked, everybody who has children at home will be able to squeeze in a day or two planetside. I talked to every single member of your medical team, Bones, and nobody has a problem with you taking off for a while because of Joanna. They're happy that it worked out like this. And even if anybody had any complaints, I'd remind them of the multiple times during which you were running yourself into the ground while they were keeping regular shifts. Just…just stop being CMO for a while, okay? I'm sure they're going to call you if there's something they can't handle on their own."

Bones drew a deep breath, his doubts and feelings of responsibility still obviously warring with his desire to just grab Joanna and hole up with her to catch up on everything he had missed. Jim thought it might take another gentle shove in the right direction.

"Don't force me to make this an order."

And finally, as if a weight had dropped from his shoulders, Bones smiled.

"If you insist." But there was none of his usual gruffness in his voice, and beside him Joanna gave an excited bounce. "How long do we have?"

Jim shrugged. "Not as long as I wanted to get for you. Her shuttle back leaves in three days."

Bones jaw dropped. Jim didn't think he had ever seen a jaw drop before, not literally. He had seen many expressions and situations that would deserve the label of jaw-dropping surprise, but none of those had ever been the real sight of a mouth dropping open in astonishment.

"Three days?"

Jim's smile had already been wide, but faced with Bones' obvious surprise he felt it widen impossibly further.

"Yeah. A bed for her should have been brought to your quarters by now, I gave Scotty the override code. But don't worry, I made him promise not to snoop around."

Jim took a few steps back into the transport shuttle and picked up the bag with Joanna's things. He carried it to his still completely flabbergasted friend and handed it over with a friendly slap to Bones' shoulder.

"There should be plenty of clothes and things to keep her occupied in here. Now go off before I change my mind and keep her all to myself."

The bag dropped to the floor with an audible thud, and before Jim knew what was happening, Bones' arms wrapped around him and pulled him in for a tight hug.

"Thank you, Jim."

The words were low, and as heartfelt as anything Jim had ever heard, and he had to forcefully stop himself from noticing Bones' warmth pressing up against him, the gush of breath against his ear as he spoke, the feeling of Bones' broad back under his hands as Jim finally overcame his stupor and hugged him back. If there had ever been an inappropriate moment for thoughts like that, this was it.

The embrace ended far too soon for Jim's liking, and he felt the ghost of Bones' warmth linger for a moment longer after the other man detached himself again, shouldered Joanna's bag and took his daughter by the hand.

"Come on sweetheart, let's get you settled and then I'll show you around the ship."

"Let me know when you get to the Bridge," Jim called after them, just as he remembered another thing. "And you're supposed to call Jocelyn, let her know that Joanna arrived safely."

Bones didn't turn around again, but he raised his hand in acknowledgment of Jim's words. Jim watched them as they walked down the corridor, Joanna's hand held tightly in her father's as she skipped along beside him, babbling excitedly about something Jim could not hear.

But it was the look on Bones' face that made something tighten in Jim's gut. Bones looked…happy. Completely and utterly happy, and he was watching Joanna with an expression of absolute contentment, just as if there was nothing he'd rather do, nowhere in the entire universe he'd rather be than right here right now, with his daughter.

And for that look on Bones' face alone it had been worth it, Jim mused as he finally tore his eyes away from the pair and started walking towards the Bridge. It wasn't a perfect substitute for an entire week back home with Joanna, but it was all that had been in Jim's power to give.

It would just have to be enough. And judged by Bones' reaction, at least for now it was.

Now Jim had to get to the Bridge to get some work done. He had to oversee the upgrades and repairs and make sure that those crewmembers designated to go down to Earth would catch a transport there. And once that was done, he had to make sure the Bridge was presentable. He had promised a certain young lady a tour and a seat in the Captain's chair after all, and that was one promise Jim intended to keep.


	5. Chapter 5

When the door chime rang, Jim had just come out of the shower, where he had washed away the sweat and grime left after hours of digging around in places nobody had been to since Enterprise had left the construction dock. The upgrades to Engineering might really improve engine performance in the future, but getting them done was hard work, the kind that forced you to get your hands dirty.  
  
It was a good change of pace to all his normal duties as a Captain, and Jim really enjoyed the opportunity to finally do some hands-on work, but after hours of being stuck in a small relay compartment, re-wiring engine buffers and following the commands Scotty called out to him while getting grease and dirt all over him and trying not to electrocute himself, a shower had been more than just welcome.  
  
So when the door chime rang, Jim quickly put on a clean shirt and went to answer. It didn't really surprise him to see Bones in the corridor outside of his quarters. Nobody else ever came calling to his quarters without calling him over the comm first. One reason for that could be that Jim was hardly ever in his quarters to begin with, and when somebody was looking for Jim they checked the bridge and Medical Bay first. There was food for thought in that, Jim was sure, but it was not something he wanted to contemplate right now.  
  
There was no need to ask Bones for his reasons for coming here, just as there was no need for Bones to ask Jim to let him in. There were boundaries in both their lives which the other couldn't cross into, but the doors to their private quarters most certainly weren't the point where those boundaries began.  
  
If it hadn't been for the fact that they were the Captain and CMO of this ship and there was always protocol to consider, they'd be treating their quarters just like they had done in the Academy days. Jim couldn't remember a time when he hadn't known the combination to Bones' door lock, and had been welcome to use it, just as Bones had been welcome to use his. Jim had never had a friend like Bones before, but as their friendship progressed it had become natural to extend this unspoken welcome.  
  
So as soon as Jim saw Bones, he wordlessly stepped away from the door, leaving the other man room to enter. Bones was back in his uniform, ready to go back on duty now that Joanna had left the ship. Jim had the distinct feeling that his daughter's departure was the reason why Bones had come to see him in the first place.  
  
Sinking down on the couch in his sitting area, Jim voiced those thoughts.  
  
"Joanna got back to Earth all right?"  
  
Bones nodded, taking a seat in one of the comfy chairs Jim had bargained out of the crew at Jupiter station during their last stay for overhauls. A small smile showed on his face at the mention of Joanna. Bones seemed far more relaxed now than he had before his daughter's visit. Jim wasn't going to go as far as saying that those three days had done wonders for him. That was up the cliché alley, right there with all that _time stood still_ -crap and all those other platitudes that Jim had never really believed in.  
  
Besides, not even a three day visit by his daughter was going to be enough to really change Leonard McCoy. Bones was probably always going to stay a grumpy bastard, something that was definitely part of his charm which Jim wouldn't change for the world, but still there was something more relaxed about him now, more centered. It felt a little as if seeing Joanna had put something on course again that had been spinning off its axis before. It was no big shift in behavior, nothing the casual observer would notice. But to Jim, it seemed so obvious that he asked himself how everybody else could miss it.  
  
"Yeah," Bones said with a smile. "She said she wants to come back next Christmas, so we better make sure we're close by so that she can visit again. Oh, and you've been promoted."  
  
Jim felt his eyebrows rise, even though he knew that when he did it, it was never going to be as expressive a movement as when Bones did it.  
  
"I've been? To what? Just _Jim_ instead of _Mister Jim_ , like I told her to call me about a hundred times?"  
  
Bones laughed. "Not quite. Don't know how you did it, Jim. Let me tell you, Joanna's normally not quick to adopt new family members. But she said I'm supposed to tell _Uncle Jim_ that he'd better keep the ship safe until her next visit."  
  
Jim swallowed at the sudden dryness in his throat, and it had nothing to do with his new moniker as an uncle. What Joanna had said should be the most basic thing to any Starfleet Captain, but those simple and innocent words contained the shadow of all those dreadful thoughts and scenarios, the endless possibilities that scared Jim, choked off his breath and sometimes kept him awake at night.  
  
It was his job to keep the ship safe – the ship, and everyone on board. It was Jim's task to make sure that the next time they got close to their families again, everyone aboard would still be alive and well enough to see them. And if someone wasn't going to make it back, it was going to be Jim's fault.  
  
Jim swallowed again to make sure that his voice didn't let on what a monumental and impossible thing Joanna was asking of him, even though he knew that in her world, keeping the ship safe essentially meant nothing more than keeping her father safe.  
  
Still, Jim had to swallow against his dry throat to keep his voice from cracking before he answered.  
  
"Tell her that I'll do whatever I can."  
  
"I already did."  
  
It was the confidence in Bones' voice that nearly did Jim in. Confidence in the fact that Jim was going to do just that, that he wasn't going to screw things up, and he made it sound just as easy as Joanna's voice made it sound. Jim himself wasn't sure he was going to live up to everyone's expectations, but amongst all that he found that it was Bones' trust in him that Jim didn't want to disappoint.  
  
He realized that he was far beyond the point where he could still pinpoint the moment it had started, but it was just more proof that slowly but surely, the grumpy doctor had wormed his way so far into Jim's life and heart that everything always came down to Bones, originated from him and came back to him eventually. Jim was tangled up in Bones in everything he did, and it was much too late to even think about untangling himself again.  
  
Silence settled over the room, and Bones fidgeted a little, as if he was uncomfortable. Which was ridiculous, because there was no reason for Bones to feel anything remotely like that when he was around Jim. It could only mean that there was another reason why his friend had come here. Torn between asking and simply waiting for Bones to work up the courage to come out and say what he wanted, he nearly missed it when Bones did speak.  
  
"Why did you do it?"  
  
Jim was startled for a moment. "What?"  
  
"Why did you bring Joanna aboard? Jim, I'm not stupid. I know how much work it must have been to get someone higher up the food chain to agree to letting a civilian aboard Starfleet's flagship, especially at a time when said flagship was undergoing crucial repairs and upgrades that fall under all kinds of terms of secrecy."  
  
Jim shrugged.  
  
"Joanna is a nine year old girl who only wanted to see her Dad. She couldn't have cared less about the engines, or the weapons systems."  
  
"Yeah, and we both know that Starfleet Admirals just love to break protocol for something like that."  
  
Jim resisted the urge to roll his eyes and instead settled for a conspiring wink. "What good does saving Earth do if it doesn't buy you a favor from time to time? Besides, I talked to Pike. When I told him that it was about you, he wasn't all that unwilling anymore to make it happen. That might have to do with the fact that he'll be able to walk again within a year thanks to you. He's informed enough about Starfleet's medical staff to know that most other doctors would have been lucky to get that parasite removed without killing him."  
  
"It was my damn job. I don't want any favors for doing my job."  
  
Jim shrugged again. "Then don't think of it as a favor. Come on Bones, it's not as if anybody had to sell out his soul to make it happen. I talked to Pike, and I called Jocelyn, that's all that happened."  
  
"That's all," Bones chuckled mirthlessly, with yet another shake of his head. "It's not Jim. It's not all, and we gotta talk about this."  
  
Jim really didn't understand it. He didn't understand why Bones was so completely unable to simply take Joanna's visit as the gift it had been and leave it at that. But judged by the way he was fidgeting, by how he kept staring at his wringing hands and refused to meet Jim's eyes at all, there was something bothering him. It was completely unlike Bones to act this way, and Jim got the sinking feeling that his friend had been mulling those thoughts over for a while already.  
  
"What have we got to talk about?"  
  
Bones drew a deep breath, as if he was trying to garner up courage or struggling with himself about whether to say anything else at all.  
  
"Why you did it," he finally forced out. "I know you, Jim. I know that if any member of the crew had come to you asking you to get them some shore leave to spend with their family, you'd have bent over backwards to make it happen. And that's one thing. But I didn't ask you to do that."  
  
Jim nodded. "You didn't. But that's the thing about friendship, isn't it? Friends shouldn't have to ask."  
  
"Friends." Bones ran a hand over his face, still not meeting Jim's eyes directly. And for the first time in all those years, Bones made the word ' _friends_ ' sound like something that left a bad taste in his mouth. "Right."  
  
He let his hands drop and got up from his chair. "I should get going."  
  
And suddenly, Jim had the feeling that they were no longer talking about Joanna's visit, or about whether or not Jim had bent the rules a little to get her aboard. There was something else hanging in the air between them, and Jim's heart was beating hard and fast in his chest as if it already knew something Jim's brain was yet unaware of. And Jim knew, with a sudden clarity, that if Bones left the room now, the moment to talk about it would be gone.  
  
Right there, at this moment, all the possibilities were laid out in front of Jim, and he only had to grasp them. He had no idea what to do with it, if it wouldn't ruin the best thing he ever had in his life if he spoke up now. But Jim's whole life was a story of throwing himself into things on blind faith alone. And he had faith in Bones, and in the strength of their friendship. Besides, Bones hadn't earned it that Jim was keeping something of this magnitude from him. There was an entitlement to secrets in every friendship, but not for something this big to stand between them.  
  
And before Jim knew what was happening, his mouth was already acting on its own accord.  
  
"Bones!"  
  
The other man was nearly at the door, but upon the sound of Jim's voice he stopped. He didn't turn around, but there was a certain tension to his posture as he waited for his friend to speak.  
  
"I…I have one more hypothetical for you."  
  
Bones tensed even further. He grew so rigid from one moment to the next that Jim could swear he even stopped breathing. And even though he could not see his friend's face, Jim was sure that the expression on it was pained.  
  
Nothing was farther from Jim's mind than adding more pain to the load Bones was already carrying around with him. But _not_ talking about it no longer was an option. Jim was going to go crazy if he tried to make things out on his own for any longer.  
  
"Jim…"  
  
Bones' voice was strangled and hoarse, but Jim forced himself to ignore it. He had to come out with the truth, had to lay the cards on the table and leave the next step up to Bones. And he had to do so in a way that wouldn't put any additional pressure on either Bones or their friendship. He owed it to Bones to leave him that way out, the chance to ignore that Jim was talking about them and not somebody else.  
  
"Bones, please."  
  
Bones drew another audible deep breath, then he turned around. His face was unreadable, but for the first time in minutes he was looking straight into Jim's eyes.  
  
It hit Jim then.  
  
He had known before that Bones was a man who always practiced what he preached, but he had never seen it this clearly before. Bones didn't want to go through another hypothetical contemplation of Jim's difficult dating life, that much was obvious from his reaction. But he forewent his own feelings on the matter for Jim's sake – _again_ , because it definitely wasn't the first time he had done that.  
  
It was a far cry from willingly embarrassing himself in front of a room full of strangers just so that Jocelyn could have her dance, Jim knew that. He didn't dare to hope that it was the same thing, or even in the same league. But Jim simply had to trust in the strength of the friendship between them, because in all honesty Jim couldn't say what he'd do if Bones reacted badly. Or worse, if it made him leave.  
  
"Jim?"  
  
Two years of Captaincy had been enough to give Jim a reputation of courage throughout the Federation. And right at this moment, he felt all that courage and bravado go out the window. If at that moment somebody had given him the choice between having this conversation with Bones and facing down a Klingon armada, he might just have tried his luck with the Klingons.  
  
But there was no red alert, and for once the universe seemed to be willing to give Jim a chance to take care of his private business first before it threw the next interstellar crisis at him. And Jim didn't know if he was supposed to be grateful for it or not.  
  
All he knew was that it would be cruel to draw this out for any longer.  
  
He drew a deep breath, and when that didn't help any to clam the turmoil of emotions inside of him, Jim told his brain to shut up and did what had always served him best in his life – he relied on his gut feeling, and hoped that his voice wasn't going to betray just how upset he was feeling inside.  
  
"Say that there is this someone. And I know that it could be something really good between us. Something special."  
  
Bones interrupted, silencing Jim with nothing more than a shake of his head. "I told you before, Jim. If that's what you think it is, then go for it."  
  
"I know that you told me that. It's just…I'm worried, Bones."  
  
Bones laughed, without any trace of mirth in it.  
  
"As if you ever needed to be worried about getting someone to fall for you, Jim."  
  
"That's not what I mean." Jim drew a deep breath and waited until Bones' eyes met his. It was hard to hold that gaze instead of backing down, but Jim forced himself not to look away as he said his next words.  
  
"I'm worried that it might ruin the best friendship I've ever had."  
  
For a moment, nothing happened. Bones just stared right back at Jim, incomprehension written clearly on his face. It lasted only for a split-second, then too many different emotions crossed his face for Jim to catch them all – surprise, shock, disbelief…relief… _relief_?...and a couple more which Jim could have named but didn't want to for fear of being wrong about it. Bones took a step back, as if he was trying to physically distance himself from Jim's words.  
  
Jim got up from his seat on the couch, unwilling to let even more distance come between them. Bones didn't retreat any further as Jim approached, but with the door already pressing into his back there was nowhere he could have possibly gone to.  
  
"Jim…"  
  
It was strangled, one painful, worried and slightly fearful syllable, and it tore at something deep inside of Jim, some primal need to make sure that Bones wasn't this confused, or hurting.  
  
"Bones, I…"  
  
"No Jim," Bones growled out, desperate and defensive at the same time. " _No_. You said it was about a woman. You wanted my advice on how to date a _woman_! You can't just lie to me about stuff like that and then throw something like this in my face!"  
  
"I didn't know what to do!" Jim didn't like how defensive his voice sounded. He didn't want to justify himself, not for his feelings for Bones. Never that.  
  
"And I _never_ said it was about a woman. You assumed it was, but I never said anything. I didn't even say ' _she_ ', not once."  
  
Bones' eyes went so wide that Jim was worried they were going to bulge right out of his head. Jim could see the anger brewing behind those hazel eyes, the kind of anger that came as the warning for an outburst of epic proportions, one that Jim would rather avoid being witness to.  
  
"Semantics, Jim? You seriously think you can smooth-talk yourself out of this by arguing frickin' semantics? Do you honestly think I'm that stupid?"  
  
"No. I don't think that at all."  
  
Bones shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers as if to stave off a headache.  
  
"Then why do you treat me as if I was? Damn it Jim, I'm not a brainless conquest!"  
  
Jim drew a deep breath, hoping and praying that he'd be able to find the right words somewhere in the mess inside his head.  
  
"I know that, all right? Of course I know that. But I was completely out of my depth with all this. I've never been in such a situation before."  
  
Bones laughed. "What, never tried to date a guy before? Come on Jim, we both know that's another lie."  
  
" _No_. I…I never had anything to lose before."  
  
And that simple statement shut up whatever words of protest Bones might have wanted to say. Jim recognized an opening when he saw one, and didn't give the other man any chance to think of something else to day.  
  
"You're my best friend, Bones. With everyone before, I never had anything to lose that meant anything to me. Even if someone shut me down, I never had to see them again. With you…damn it Bones, we work together. We live on the same ship and see each other every day. You're my best friend, for crying out loud. Suddenly I had everything to lose, and I couldn't screw this up. I thought that if I only got you to talk to me about dating, I'd figure out a way to get the message across."  
  
"What, so it's my fault now that you lied to me? My advice on how to go on about your love life with an imaginary woman wasn't good enough?"  
  
Jim was starting to get frustrated. He didn't know if Bones truly didn't understand, or if he simply didn't want to.  
  
"No! But damn it, how was I supposed to know that whatever I tried was going to backfire? The dinner was a bust, you poured away the bourbon, I got food poisoning before I could even ask you out on the next date, and the only potentially romantic away mission in light-years ended with your hands buried wrist-deep in Chekov's insides. I _tried_ to go the classic routine, I did everything I thought I was supposed to do, it's just that nothing worked out! And I couldn't just tell you what was going on."  
  
Bone's face went through a number of different emotions during Jim's outburst, some of which would have been funny had Bones shown them in a different situation. It finally settled on complete and utter confusion upon Jim's last words.  
  
"But why?" He was shaking his head in disbelief. "Why the hell not, Jim?"  
  
And suddenly, the words came easy. Jim couldn't explain it, but all of a sudden it seemed so much more simple than it had been for the past months. The words needed to get out, so badly that Jim no longer cared about anything that might have held them back previously.  
  
"Because you're my best friend. The first real friend I ever had. And I can't lose that just because I screwed up and fell in love with you."  
  
Bones growled – honest to God _growled_ – at those words, and Jim barely had the time to realize how that sound went straight to his groin before he found himself pressed with his back against the wall by a pair of strong hands, Bones filling up his entire field of vision.  
  
"You're such an idiot," Bones said, his voice a low rumble, and his breath fanning hotly over Jim's face. Jim couldn't think straight, not with the other man so close to him, close enough to press up against him even though the only place they actually touched was where Bones' hands were holding his shoulders in place. Jim didn't notice. All he could see, hear and feel was _Bones_. His heart was hammering away in his chest, pounding against his sternum as if it was trying to burst free. The other man was so close that Jim was holding his breath, hoping against hope, already preparing himself for rejection…  
  
And then Bones' lips were pressing against his, and rational thought went right out the window. All Jim could feel was the press of those soft, dry lips against his own and how _right_ it felt. It was a chaste kiss, a press of closed lips against his own, but still this alone had been worth going through all the disastrous dates and destroyed plans.  
  
It was Bones who broke the kiss, not quite as abruptly as he had started it, but still far too soon for Jim's liking. He didn't withdraw very far though, just enough so that he could look into Jim's eyes. Jim's heart was beating a frantic tattoo against his chest as he looked into those hazel eyes inches away from his own. His hands were fisted tightly into the fabric of Bones' shirt, even though he had no memory whatsoever of reaching out to grasp him.  
  
One warm hand cupped Jim's cheek, and he found himself leaning into the contact. He wasn't capable of forming a single coherent thought, but his basic instinct was to lean into the other man's warmth for as much and as long as he could. Bones chuckled, gently running his fingers over Jim's cheek.  
  
"You're an idiot if you think you're gonna lose me anytime soon, Jim. I stuck with you for over five years. I followed you into space, for crying out loud. It's gonna take a lot more than a confession of love to drive me away."  
  
Jim was barely aware of Bones' words, of anything other than the fact that there was hardly an inch of space between them, of those eyes boring into him as if searching for something deep inside of Jim that only he could see, of the feeling of Bones' hot breath on his face and those gorgeous full lips so close that all Jim wanted to do was lean in and capture them in another kiss.  
  
Bones wasn't yelling at him, and he hadn't pushed him away. That was already more than Jim could have hoped for.  
  
And Bones had kissed him.  
  
Which was the one thought that tore Jim out of his stupor.  
  
Bones had kissed him, and he wouldn't have done that if he hadn't _wanted_ to kiss him. And even if Jim was completely wrong in his assessment, that one kiss had been so intoxicating that Jim was already longing for more. He couldn't help but lean in and press his lips against Bones' again. That one kiss hadn't been enough. It wouldn't ever be enough, and Jim's hunger for more was growing.  
  
Bones' lips were soft and pliant under his, and Jim grabbed fists full of blue fabric and pulled Bones impossibly closer.  
  
Jim didn't dare to open his eyes, afraid of what he'd see if he did. He only wanted more of this, for as long as he could have it. The feeling of a tongue gently tracing his lips made Jim gasp as he opened up for and surrendered completely to Bones. Bones moaned into his mouth as their tongues met, a sound and vibration which ran through Jim's entire body, all the way into his very core where it imprinted itself right onto his soul.  
  
 _This_. This was what Jim wanted, and nothing else.  
  
Their kiss started out slow and tentative, but it grew more heated and passionate with every moment that passed. Bones kept Jim pressed firmly against the wall, one hand against the back of Jim's neck while the other radiated heat against Jim's hip through the fabric of his clothes. Jim didn't even know what his own hands were doing. He felt them play with the short strands of Bones' hair, knew that at one point they were running over the broad expanse of Bones' shoulders and back. But then he was tugging frantically, all but clawing at Bones' shirt in an attempt to pull it out of his pants and get to the skin underneath.  
  
It was desperate, but when Jim's hands finally got the fabric loose from its confines and his fingers encountered the skin underneath, it felt like a revelation. Bones' skin was hot underneath his fingertips, and even if it had been scorching him Jim wouldn't have been able to stop touching. He'd rather crash and burn than to ever stop touching Bones like that again. Jim was riding an adrenaline high that was better than anything similar during battle or combat, his brain clouded by lust and want and _need_ , and he never wanted for it to end.  
  
Bones made a small sound into Jim's mouth, a keening moan as Jim's fingers brushed over a hardening nipple, and for a second Jim was torn out of the lustful bliss that was slowly encompassing every cell of his body. He was more than just reluctant to draw back from the kiss, but he forced himself to do so, leaning his head back against the wall with the taste of Bones still heavy and heady on his tongue. Bones immediately latched onto Jim's neck, kissing and sucking a trail along his pulse, and Jim moaned helplessly.  
  
"Bones…" It wasn't even his own voice. His voice didn't sound this hoarse and needy. But his lips were moving and he thought he was speaking, so it had to be. "What are we doing?"  
  
It couldn't be his voice, Jim decided. He couldn't be stupid enough to question what they were doing, not now that they were finally getting around to doing it. But it was all going so fast – one moment Bones had looked ready to punch him, the next he was kissing the life out of him. Jim couldn't possibly keep up with everything that had happened over the span of the past minutes, but right now he needed to know that this was what Bones wanted, too. Jim didn't even know if Bones had ever been with a man before, and while he was more than ready and willing to let all this overwhelm him, he didn't want to overwhelm the other man with his need.  
  
"What are we doing?" he repeated, panting the words against Bones' cheek.  
  
Lips pressed against his own again, hot and needy and all too briefly before Bones was looking at him from inches away, hazel eyes cloudy and pupils blown wide with lust.  
  
"What we should have been doing for months already," Bones growled, voice deeper than normal and going straight to the part of Jim's brain that fuelled his lust and made the blood rush to his groin.  
It was answer enough for Jim. It was agreement, confirmation and a sign of Bones' own want all wrapped in one short sentence, and Jim took it as his permission to let go of whatever doubt or hesitancy he might have still been harboring.  
  
With both hands buried in Bones' short hair, Jim crushed his mouth against Bones' again, tongue desperately pressing for entry, access which Bones willingly granted. He felt hands pull at his own clothes, tugging his shirt up. A moment later Bones' hands were running over his skin, and Jim couldn't decide what felt better – this, or the feeling of the other man's skin under his own hands. He needed both, Jim decided, and there were far too many clothes getting in his way of getting it.  
  
He was reluctant to draw away just an inch, but to get the clothes off Jim needed to break contact. Immediately his skin felt cold, missing the heat of Bones' touch. The other man looked confused for a second, but as Jim unceremoniously pulled his shirt over his head, the flicker of lust in his eyes was unmistakable. He willingly raised his arms as Jim reached for the hem of his blue uniform shirt, easing the way for Jim to pull it over his head and discard it on the floor along with Jim's own shirt.  
  
As soon as the barrier of fabric between them was gone, Jim leaned in again. The first touch of bare skin against skin felt like an electric current running through him, and he helplessly sank against the other man, leaning as close as humanly possible. There was so much newly exposed skin to explore, and his hands weren't enough to cover it all. Jim needed to smell and taste as well a feel, and immediately he latched his mouth onto the patch of skin at the juncture of Bones' neck and shoulder.  
  
Bones' reaction was immediate. He moaned and his fingers tightened where they were resting against Jim's shoulder and hip, baring his throat even further to Jim's mouth.   
  
Bones smelled like soap and earth, with a trace of aftershave and something that was uniquely Bones, and his skin tasted salty under the onslaught of Jim's tongue. It was heady and intoxicating, like a drug Jim couldn't get enough of, would never get enough of and never wanted to come down from.  
  
It had been a while since Jim had been with another man, and he had nearly forgotten the thrill of another male body moving against his own, of hard muscles shifting under his fingers instead of soft skin, replacing smooth curves and softness with hard edges and an underlying physical strength to match his own.  
  
Jim's pants were getting uncomfortably tight with every moment that Bones was pressed up against him, and Jim found himself wanting and needing more with every second that passed. Bones pulled him close into another rough kiss full of want and raw need, and Jim started pulling Bones along as the same time as Bones started pushing him across the room.  
  
"Bed," Bones mumbled in between two kisses, and Jim found he couldn't agree more. He relied on Bones to guide them there, because the room was spinning around them even with his eyes closed, and he was sure that if he opened them he was going to lose his footing. When his legs hit the edge of the bed, Jim let himself fall backwards, pulling Bones along and on top of him. They landed with a startled _oomph_ , momentarily breaking their kiss as the air was knocked out of Jim's lungs. Bones didn't falter for a second and immediately started kissing a wet line of kisses and licks along Jim's collarbone and towards his chest. He settled atop of Jim as he did so, and never before had it felt so right to feel pressed down by another man's weight as it did now.  
  
Jim moaned, feeling the absence of Bones' mouth on his like a missing limb already. The moan turned into a loud lusty groan as Bones flicked his tongue over his nipple, suckling and gently biting at the sensitive flesh. Jim's cock gave an excited twitch in the confines of his pants, and Jim surged up against the other man, desperately searching for friction.  
  
"Bones…" Jim moaned helplessly, unable to find words for what he craved so badly. He pulled the other man up by his shoulders, his eyes wide and pleading and not a single mask or line of defense in place as he crushed their mouths together in a wordless plea.  
  
"God, Jim," Bones breathed out as he broke away from the kiss, his lips red and slightly swollen as he looked down at him. There was a look in his eyes that sent shivers down Jim's spine with its undisguised lust and need. Another passionate kiss left nothing but a blank void where Jim's mind was supposed to be, and he only realized that Bones had moved away when the weight atop of him suddenly shifted and he felt Bones' hot lips move a trail down his chest and torso. Bones was reaching for the fastenings of Jim's pants, surgeon's fingers deftly undoing the button and pulling down the zipper.  
  
"Yes…Bones…god, yes…"  
  
It was more incoherent than Jim ever remembered being, but there were no words to describe what was going through his head as he raised his hips with a desperate whimper and Bones pulled down his pants and briefs. The room wasn't cold by any means, but against his achingly hard cock the sudden exposure to air felt like a chill running all over him. Bones pulled the pants further down, until Jim could kick them off, but he didn't take his eyes away from where Jim's cock was resting against his belly. There was hunger in his eyes, and Jim wondered where all this would take them next. He had no idea, he only knew that he had lost control over what was going to happen next a long time ago. He still didn't know if Bones had ever been with another man, or how far he was willing to take this encounter, but he knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that he needed Bones, anything the other man was willing to give him.  
  
"Bones…"  
  
"Fucking gorgeous," Bones growled, holding Jim down with both hands on his hips as he bent down and licked along the line where Jim's torso met his thigh, only to blow softly over the wet trail his tongue had left. Jim's hips jerked against Bones' hold on him, but the other man had him pressed good and secure into the mattress. Instead of going where he desperately wanted that mouth to go to, Bones nuzzled the skin of Jim's hip, licking, nibbling and biting gently against the heated flesh.  
  
Jim had known, somewhere deep down, that Bones would make love like he approached everything else in life – with absolute devotion and dedication. Bones wasn't fast or hurried in what he did, he took his time with every deliberate caress he bestowed upon Jim, and no amount of panted pleas and moans could hurry him up.  
  
By the time slender fingers wrapped around the base of his erection, Jim was reduced to a helplessly writhing creature of need, and every single one of his nerve-endings seemed to be centered in his cock. Bones looked up at Jim then, gazing at him from behind half-lidded eyes with his hand still wrapped around the base of Jim's steadily leaking cock, and once he was sure that Jim was following his every move with rapt attention, his tongue darted out and he slowly, determinedly, licked a pearly drop of precome from the tip of Jim's cock.  
  
Jim could have come right then, from the feeling of that tongue on him and from the knowledge that it was Bones kneeling there between his legs.  
  
Then, without any further warning, Bones took him in his mouth, and Jim's mind blanked out to anything else but the feeling of moist heat surrounding him and the sensation of a tongue running along the underside of his cock that set his whole body on fire.  
  
He might have screamed as Bones' mouth enveloped him, moaned or babbled incoherently, Jim couldn't say for sure. His blood was pounding in his ears and drowned out all other sounds. It took Jim a long moment to remember how to open his eyes, and when his eyelids finally complied with his brain's commands, he was greeted by the most incredible sight.  
  
Bones looked…there were no words to describe the image of Bones between his legs, of that mouth on him and those absolutely gorgeous lips wrapped around him. Bones kept one hand wrapped firmly around the base of Jim's cock while the other rested on Jim's hip, and just as Jim looked Bones' cheeks hollowed as he sucked. Jim let his head drop back onto the pillow with a groan as his muscles gave out and his vision blackened.  
  
Bones must have done this before. There was no other explanation, because if this was the first time he sucked cock, he was an impossible natural talent at it. No, Bones must have done this before, and Jim felt an irrational stab of jealousy at that thought, even if he reaped the rewards of that experience as Bones' tongue did a twist around his cock that had Jim seeing stars.  
  
He could come like that, Jim was sure of that. And it wouldn't take him long, either, not with that mouth surrounding him in such a tight, moist heat and that tongue doing such incredible things to him. The thought of coming into Bones' mouth was extremely arousing, something Jim definitely wanted to explore at one point. But right now he wanted more, wouldn't settle until he had had Bones completely.  
  
It was hard to tear himself out of the blissful haze, but Jim grasped at Bones' shoulders, pulling him up and off his cock. Bones let go, albeit very reluctantly. He licked his lips in a way that could only be described as obscene, then he crawled up on the bed and wordlessly pressed his lips on Jim's again.  
  
Bones' tongue in his mouth still felt new and incredibly arousing, and the taste of himself in the other man's mouth was the hottest thing Jim could imagine. It just felt so right, and no matter what was going to happen after this night, Jim never wanted to give this up.  
  
Framing Bones' face with both hands, Jim pulled away from the kiss. Bones was panting hotly against his face, pupils blown wide and staring down at Jim as if waiting for what was going to come next. He was gorgeous like that, panting and aching with arousal and barely contained lust. Jim wanted to see this again and again, wanted to make Bones lose the control he normally held on to so tightly. Jim wanted to be the reason why Bones let go like that.  
  
"Want you," Jim whispered hoarsely, then latched onto that delectable neck, sucking and kissing without much finesse, but with extreme enthusiasm, as he trailed his hands down Bones' chest and towards the zipper of his pants. Jim struggled with the button and zipper with fingers that all of a sudden felt too big and clumsy for that task, pleasantly distracted by the hardness he could feel behind the fabric. "Want you inside me."  
  
Bones stilled atop of him, eyes widening slightly at those words.  
  
"You sure?"  
  
With Bones' pants finally open, Jim tugged them down and pulled Bones down onto him. Their cocks ground together for the first time without anything in between, and Jim watched as Bones' eyes dropped close and he started rubbing against him, creating the most delicious friction. It was too tempting to resist, Jim couldn't help but grab that firm ass with both hands and push up against the other man. But they couldn't keep this up. They were both too hard, too aroused, and Jim wanted to feel Bones inside him when he came.  
  
"Fuck me, Bones."  
  
Bones growled again, something that was quickly becoming Jim's favorite sound. He kept tugging at Bones' pants until he had pulled them midway down his thighs, then he leaned up on his elbow for leverage and flipped them over. Bones' eyes widened slightly in surprise, but he was pliant under Jim's hands as he pulled the pants off completely.  
  
Bones was gorgeous, that was the only way to describe it. Of course Jim had seen the other man naked before, not very often, but still often enough to appreciate that Bones was well-built and kept himself in very good shape. But he had never seen him like this, with his skin flushed with arousal and his cock hard and leaking as he lay there, panting and waiting for Jim to make his next move.  
  
Jim couldn't help it, he had to lean forward and lick his way up Bones' stomach and chest, from his navel up to one of his nipples. As he gently took the hardened bud between his teeth and bit down, Bones arched up against him with a muffled yell. Jim kept on sucking at the flesh, reveling in the fact that he had already found one extremely sensitive spot in his exploration and mapping of Bones' body. Blindly, he reached out over the edge of the bed and started groping around until his hand hit the bedside table and he managed to pull the drawer open. He wasn't ashamed, not really. Being a Starfleet Captain was a lonely job, and he had spent quite a lot of time alone with his right hand since they had departed on their mission. Especially since his attraction to Bones had grown and all his attempts at wooing the other man had backfired.  
  
Bones was still arching up against him during Jim's onslaught on his nipple as Jim's fingers closed around the bottle of lube and pulled it out. Bones' eyes darkened even further as Jim dropped the bottle into his hand.  
  
"Bones…please…"  
  
Jim found himself on his back again, with no real recollection of how he had ended up there, and Bones worked a pillow under him to raise his hips. He was kneeling too far away from Jim like that, too far away to touch and hold on to him as Jim craved, and he could only fist his hands into the sheets and spread his legs as Bones unscrewed the top of the small bottle and squirted some of the clear gel onto his fingers.  
  
Jim was trembling, even though he'd never admit to it. And it wasn't just because it had been a while since he had been with another man like this. Jim wasn't shy about his body, or about sex, definitely not. But still, this was…different. He was letting go, allowing himself to open up in a way he had never done before. This wasn't just about a quick tryst, an easy way to get physical gratification for two people who wanted exactly that and nothing more.  
  
No. This went beyond something purely physical, and Jim found himself trembling with the knowledge of just how much he was laying bare in front of Bones at this moment. His feelings, his desire for the other man, he wanted all that displayed for Bones to see, and he needed to see Bones' reaction in turn. It was completely new territory for Jim, and he was scared to hell that he was revealing too much, too soon, but it felt as if a damn inside of him had broken and he could not stop the flood of what was pouring out of him.  
  
Jim wanted this like he had never wanted anything before, and when he felt the first tentative touch of a finger pressing into him, he closed his eyes with a long, drawn-out moan and let his head drop back against the pillow.   
  
This was everything he had ever hoped for it to be, and more. Jim had fantasized about Bones' hands on him like this before, but no fantasy, no matter how vivid, could ever come close to the real feeling of those skilled fingers opening him up. Surgeon's fingers, hands that had been trained to make each movement count, but there was nothing clinical about the way they touched him now and worked him open.  
  
Jim did his best to relax, to allow that finger slide into him and spread him enough for a second finger to join it. Bones was gentle as he worked Jim open, his free hand a warm pressure against Jim's hip, resting against it as if it belonged there, holding Jim down gently as his fingers pushed deeper inside, brushing him in that spot that made Jim arch up against the other man with a sound that was a mixture between a whimper and a moan.  
  
Jim's need was rising with every moment, until he could no longer control it. Those fingers were driving him crazy in a way he could have never imagined, but it wasn't enough. It would never be enough, and Jim needed more.  
  
It cost a lot of effort, but Jim opened his eyes again and pushed himself up on his elbows. The movement of the fingers inside of him stilled and Bones looked up with a slight frown, but when he caught sight of the expression on Jim's face he carefully withdrew the fingers. Jim wasn't too sure what exactly Bones had seen on his face, but his intentions must have been written there plain as day, because the moment Jim crashed into him, claiming his mouth for another searing kiss, Bones was ready for him. He pulled Jim against himself, catching him in an open-mouthed kiss that lacked all their earlier skill and replaced it with the raw lust and need they both felt.  
  
Jim had one hand buried in the hair on the back of Bones' head, keeping him in place as if a part of him was still secretly worried that the other man was going to bail out, while he frantically searched the bed for the bottle of lube. His fingers had barely closed around it when he reluctantly released his grip on Bones' hair and squeezed a generous amount of the gel onto his hands. Their tongues were still writhing against each other, faces held together by Bones' hold on Jim, as Jim wrapped his slick hands around Bones' cock.  
  
He hadn't touched Bones enough since this had started, not nearly enough. Jim had the feeling that since that very first kiss earlier, he had taken far more than he had given, and that was something he wanted to rectify as soon as possible.  
  
The way Bones gasped into his mouth as Jim wrapped his hands around his cock and started slicking him up was promising, and Jim vowed to draw all kinds of sounds of pleasure from those gorgeous lips as soon as he could. The feeling of Bones' hard cocking his hands, the way the other man threw back his head and bared his neck at the feeling of Jim's hands on him was a promise of what was to come once they took the time to really explore one another, without haste or urgent desire hurrying them along. Jim only too readily latched onto that smooth column of flesh, lips closing over the skin of Bones' neck as his tongue pressed into the pulse point. It was exhilarating, to feel the rapid rush of blood just the fragment of an inch underneath his tongue while he held the hard and throbbing evidence of Bones' desire in his hands. It was a rush, and Jim was so caught up in it that he had to force his hands to stop moving. He could have stroked Bones to completion like that, and he would have done so if not for the admittedly selfish desire to feel Bones inside of him, now.  
  
"Bones…" Jim moaned into another kiss as he let himself drop back on the mattress, pulling the other man along with him. It was exhilarating to feel Bones atop of him like that, with the knowledge of what was going to happen now. Bones settled on top of him, shifting his weight as his eyes bore deep into Jim's as if searching for the tiniest flicker of doubt that would tell him to stop. Jim desperately hoped that Bones would not find it, because he wasn't too sure he'd be able to stand it if they stopped now.  
  
"Bones…please…"  
  
Jim was pretty sure he was begging, but he was beyond caring. He needed to feel Bones inside of him now, and he could only hope and pray that Bones hadn't changed his mind somewhere along the way.  
  
"God Jim…," Bones pressed out hoarsely, slowly running his hands down Jim's sides until they settled on Jim's hips. "So fucking gorgeous."  
  
They were both panting heavily, and as those large, warm palms moved from Jim's hips to his thighs and pushed them apart, Jim could only let his legs fall open, heart hammering fast in his chest in anticipation.  
  
"Positively wanton. So beautiful…all mine."  
  
How Bones could still find words, let alone form full sentences when all Jim could think was a garbled stream of _yesfuckmeinsidemenowpleaseBonespleaseyessogood_ was beyond Jim, but he let that deep voice and the desire that rang along with it wash over him as he felt the head of Bones' cock press against his entrance. A distant part of his brain thought briefly about how arousing it would be to hear that voice tell him all kinds of things during sex, raunchy and maybe even dirty things, but then Bones was pressing inside him and his capacities for thought were occupied otherwise.  
  
It definitely had been a long time since he had last done this. Despite the careful preparation, Jim felt too tight, not relaxed enough to ease Bones in painlessly. It hurt – not unbearably so, but the pain and discomfort was definitely overshadowing the pleasure for now.  
  
"Jim?"  
  
Bones stopped moving and a warm hand gently cupped his cheek. Jim opened his eyes, unable to say when he had closed them in the first place. Bones was hovering above him, flushed and still so visibly aroused, but with a frown on his face that showed he knew something was not right. Jim's adoration for the other man rose beyond what he had thought possible, because he wasn't too sure that if their roles were reversed, he'd have had any attention to spare to look out for signs of discomfort.  
  
"Do you want me to stop?"  
  
No.  
  
Never.  
  
Jim felt incredibly stupid, like some inexperienced teenager who had all the right equipment but no idea what to do with it. And then there was Bones, looking out for Jim when he was too wrapped up in other things to do so. But Jim had done this before, and he knew how to do this so that they were both going to enjoy it. He only needed to overcome this overwhelming rush of emotions that was keeping him from just letting himself fall into this completely.  
  
"Give me a moment."  
  
The small frown-line vanished from Bones' forehead, and he bent down to kiss Jim. The kiss he captured Jim's lips in was so achingly tender that Jim felt something inside of break in a wonderfully painful way. If there was ever a moment when he had felt himself falling completely and utterly in love, beyond the point where he could push that feeling away if it wasn't reciprocated, this was it.  
  
Jim was falling, and he was falling hard and fast. For Bones, for how he made him feel, for how much the other man gave, and willingly, if one only knew where to look. He was falling in love with the feeling of those hands running over his body, the feeling of Bones' skin under his own hands, with the way Bones started rocking his hips after the lines of pain vanished from Jim's face – shallow, little by little, at a speed Jim was comfortable with.  
  
And then, after endless minutes of small touches and patient, shallow thrusts, Bones was buried completely inside of him, and Jim couldn't remember ever feeling something like this before.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
"Move. Just _move_."  
  
Jim needed for Bones to move, and nothing else. This was what he had wanted, what he had wished for for so long. And now that Bones was finally inside him, as close to him as was humanly possible, Jim needed to feel him move, needed to feel the proof that this was really happening and not just another of those dreams that was going to leave him physically sated, but empty inside.  
  
And Bones moved. He started out with long, slow thrusts in and out of Jim's body, and as the initial pain of entry slowly turned into nothing but the pleasurable feeling of a cock sliding inside him, filling him and brushing all the right spots.  
  
Jim had done this before, and not just once, but none of those previous encounters could hold a candle to this. Not that it hadn't been good sex ever before. It had been, but it was nothing compared to doing this when it wasn't just about finding a quick release with somebody who meant nothing to him.  
  
Despite the raw urgency and need of what they were doing, this wasn't just sex. It was making love to somebody Jim cared about, someone who already held a piece of his heart in his hands. Someone Jim not only wouldn't mind waking up next to, but someone he actually wanted to still be here in the morning.  
  
And it was to that feeling of belonging that Jim surrendered. He belonged right here, with Bones inside him and wrapped around him, and he lost himself in a world all of its own where all that counted was to touch, kiss, caress and feel as much of the other man as possible, committing every little detail to memory because he always wanted to be able to remember this.  
  
Jim wanted for this too last, but he had been too hard for too long, too aroused by the feeling of finally having Bones this close to him. When the other man's hand wrapped around his achingly hard cock, no amount of self-control was able to hold Jim back anymore. He tried to, he really did, and when he realized that he was gone too far he frantically met Bones' thrusts in to his body, pushed back against him and increased their pace in the hope of taking Bones over the edge with him.  
  
It took only a few strokes of that hand on him, then it all became too much. Bones thrusting inside of him, his hand stroking him, the memory of his mouth on him earlier, the feeling of Bones' skin under his own hands, muscles shifting tensely underneath the skin as he leaned his weight onto one hand and stroked Jim with the other, it was an onslaught of feelings and sensations Jim couldn't help but surrender to.  
  
Desperately, he wrapped his legs around Bones' hips, hoping to pull him yet another bit closer, yet another impossible bit deeper. He felt his release rise deep inside of him, his breaths frantic gasps against Bones' skin and his hands all but clawing at the other man's back for purchase, something to hold on to, Jim couldn't say.  
  
He clung to Bones as if he was drowning as he tumbled over the edge, aware of nothing but the frantic rhythm of their trusts, the open-mouthed kisses that were hard enough to bruise, and most of all that overwhelming feeling of crossing that point of no return, the moment when a long and exhausting climb was finally rewarded with a free fall into blissful contentment.  
Jim was talking, he could feel his mouth forming words, could hear his voice over the rush of blood in his ears, but he had no idea what he was saying. All he knew was that he was coming, clenching tight around Bones' length inside of him. He could feel the warmth of his release on his own skin, could feel Bones' hands on him, coaxing and stroking, guiding him through a climax that felt like something Jim had been waiting for for far too long.  
  
Jim didn't want it to end, he wanted this to last, just as he wanted for him and Bones to come together during their first time with each other. But eventually the waves cresting over him calmed, allowed him to surface again and draw frantically panting breaths. The first thing he became aware of was Bones' flushed face above him, watching him with an expression that was an equal mixture of awe and arousal. At the same time Jim felt that Bones was still hard inside of him, that he hadn't managed to pull the other man over the edge and into climax along with him.  
  
And Jim knew that Bones wouldn't just continue without prompting by him, knew it because he would show the same hesitancy if their roles were reversed. And while there was a time for consideration, this wasn't it. Jim needed to feel Bones join him in his climax, needed to feel it inside him, and he wasn't going to stop for discussions.  
  
Even though his limbs felt far too heavy and weak to move, Jim pulled Bones down against him, clenching his legs tightly around Bones' thighs and bringing their mouths together for a longing kiss as he squeezed his muscles around the length of Bones' cock. The moan into Jim's mouth was one of pure need and Jim broke the kiss to nibble along that tempting lower lip.  
  
"Move," he urged the other man, for the second time that night.  
  
It was an incredible sensation, the feeling of Bones sliding in and out of him while Jim's nerves were still overly sensitive from his own climax. He squeezed around Bones in an attempt to create more friction, hands roaming over every inch of exposed skin within reach. It was fascinating to watch the other man as he thrust into Jim, no longer needing to consider anything but his own release. Jim was quickly growing addicted to the sound of Bones' moans, the whispered words of passion and downright rapture. The thought that it was him who was causing this, that Bones was feeling like this because he was buried inside of _him_ , was both exhilarating and humbling at the same time.  
  
But the best part was watching Bones' face as he came. The way his face shifted, how his eyes clenched shut tightly only to snap open wide as he thrust forcefully and deeply into Jim's body for the last time was so absolutely gorgeous that Jim already knew he could never get enough of seeing it.  
  
Jim felt the spurts of Bones' release inside of him, marking him and staking a claim Jim was more than willing to grant. It just felt right, as if they belonged like that and had only taken too many years to realize it.  
  
Finally, after long moments of sated kisses and small touches, Bones gently pulled out. It stung, a little, but the feeling of emptiness was worse, and Jim pulled Bones down against him to feel the reassuring warmth of his weight as a substitute for actually feeling him inside.  
Bones was panting, sweat dampening his hairline and curling the hairs on the back of his neck, and he nestled against Jim with a sated sigh, fitting their bodies together in a way Jim would have thought impossible before.  
  
If this was what complete contentment felt like, Jim never wanted it to end.  
  
He didn't even have words to describe how he was feeling. He had often pictured what it would be like when – sometimes, far more often actually, _if_ – Bones and he ever did this, and it had never been like this. This hadn't been perfect like in Jim's imagination, and it had definitely been out of synch at times. But it had been perfect exactly because it hadn't been. If it had already been this amazing with all its faults and small hitches, the promise of what it could be like once they got to know each other's bodies, once they could reign in the arousal and urgency for long enough to make another encounter like this last until they were ready to tumble over the edge together, was overwhelming.  
  
For now though, Jim focused on the feeling of Bones' body in his arms, skin warm and still flushed underneath his caressing hands. They were both sweaty and had made quite a mess of the bed, but Jim didn't ever want to move out of the circle of those arms. Instead he released his hold slightly, just enough to reach for the blanket and pull it over their naked bodies, before he sank back against the other man's chest, nuzzling into the hollow of Bones' neck.  
  
Bones tightened his arm around Jim, fingers running tenderly over the small of his back.  
  
"You're an idiot, you know that?"  
  
It was a bit disconcerting for their first post-coital conversation to start like that, but between Bones and him it shouldn't surprise him.  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Do you have any idea how awful it was when you just kept asking for advice, and I thought you were going to use it to woo some random woman?"  
  
Jim pressed a gentle kiss against the skin of Bones' throat, one that he knew could not make up for what he had put Bones through with his constant nagging.  
  
"But still you always gave me advice when I asked."  
  
Bones shrugged uncomfortably.  
  
"If it made you happy, it wasn't my place to stand in the way."  
  
And with a sudden, painful clarity, Jim realized that yes, this was definitely in the same league as making an ass of himself in front of Georgia's high society so that Jocelyn could have her dance at the tournament. It awed him, and made him vow to make sure that Bones was going to stop giving more than he received in the future. He more than owed it to the other man.  
  
"I'm sorry. I told you I wasn't good at all this."  
  
Bones laughed, the sound a deep rumble against Jim's ear.  
  
"Not good? Jim, I hate to tell you this, but you suck at it." He raised his head slightly to look into Jim's eyes. "I didn't even get to see the movie to go along with my dinner."  
  
Jim grinned and pressed a quick kiss to Bones' lips before he settled back into the comfortable and warm burrow of Bones' neck.  
  
"It would have been 'The Frontier', anyway. Besides, you were the one who poured away the great bourbon Scotty and I brewed. That was a total waste of time and resources."  
  
"You could have just left a note with it."  
  
"I was scared."  
  
It was surprising how easy the admission came, now that everything was out in the open and there were no secrets about this between them anymore. Bones pulled Jim closer and pressed a kiss on top of his head.  
  
"I told you Jim. I'm not leaving anytime soon. I wouldn't be, even if I didn't feel the way I do about you."  
  
Jim was tracing the outline of a red bite-mark on Bones' chest, trying to remember when he had put it there.  
  
"I couldn't screw this up. I've ruined a lot of things in my life, but I couldn't screw up our friendship."  
  
Now wasn't the best time to talk about this, not with exhausted and sated sleep pulling at him. Bones seemed to feel similar about it, because he pulled the blanket more snugly around them.  
  
"You didn't screw anything up, and we're not screwing anything up with what we just did either," he said, with a finality in his words that calmed Jim. "The only thing that was screwed up were your feeble attempts at dating me, and those were definitely screwed up to last for a lifetime."  
  
Jim chuckled, settling more comfortably against the warm body beside him.  
  
"I promise I'll do better next time. When do you have to be back on duty?"  
  
"Alpha shift."  
  
The same shift as Jim had, which meant they had the whole night to catch up on some sleep.  
  
"Computer, set alarm for 07:00. Turn off lights."  
  
The room turned dark around them, and Jim was ready to drift off to sleep when Bones' voice pulled him a little closer to awareness once more.  
  
"Damn it, Jim, you can't go through life not knowing how to date someone. The next time we stop at a Starbase, I'll show you what a real date is supposed to look like."  
  
Jim smiled against the skin of Bones' neck, pressing a gentle kiss against it. A date with Bones, one that wasn't screwed to hell, that sounded really good. It would be their first real date, and Jim found himself looking forward to it.  
  
And if that date went well, who knew? Maybe he was going to put out as a reward.  
  
The grin on his face slowly turned into a content smile as Jim drifted asleep to the sound of Bones' breathing beside him.  
  
  
 **  
The End**


End file.
